


Heavy

by discombobulatedetymology



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Bartender Remus Lupin, Businessman Sirius Black, Christmas, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Halloween, M/M, Marauders, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Multi, Past Abuse, Thanksgiving, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2020-12-17 16:41:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21057626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discombobulatedetymology/pseuds/discombobulatedetymology
Summary: Healing is an incredibly messy process that Remus is just trying to trudge through, minding his own business and bartending at the local bar and grill. And it’s going as well as can be expected until Sirius shows up, suddenly the trudge is easier and easier until it isn’t. And he’s stumbling, falling, drowning caught up in the current that is Sirius.





	1. Prologue

_ It's raining, the street lights stretching across the wet ground reflecting too bright light against the windshield. He's yelling again, and Remus is desperately trying to ignore it. His voice is rough, he'd been smoking before they got in the car, it's too loud for the small space. Remus can barely understand what he's saying, words slurring together. And suddenly it's all too much, the noise, the lights, it's hot and he's going to lose it. Remus rolls the old hand crank window down as fast as he can trying to let in the cooler air inside. _

_ Wind rushes in, rain splattering against his cheeks be inhales mouthful after mouthful of fresh air. His stomach churns uncomfortably, "What the fuck!? Roll the window up. You're letting rain in." The voice is dark and heavy, Remus hates it, he didn’t used to sound like that. _

_ "I'm going to puke." He whispers. Trying to keep it together, he closes his eyes against the blurring surroundings outside of the car. Since his eyes are closed he doesn't see it coming, the large rough hand that grabs the hair at the back of his neck and pulls him back into the car. Even if he’d seen it coming he wasn’t sure if he’d been able to dodge it in that state anyway. _

_ "You are not going to throw up in my car. Are you even listening to me?" Voice harsh and full of hate, Remus can barely register the words. The sharp pain at the base of his skull is all encompassing. It brings back every memory before this, memories he'd been desperately trying to ignore. His mind is filled with the image of fists, backs of hands, the ember of a lit cigarette, all rapidly approaching him with ill intent. "Remus!" He roars. _

_ Remus can hear his mother's voice in the back of his mind, she's asking if he had ever hit him, she's telling him that he's always welcome to come back home. "Fen, pull over. I'm going to be sick." His voice is weak, he doesn't remember the last time it didn't sound like this. Remus opened his eyes and tried begging him with his eyes that were rapidly filling with tears. _

_ "You didn't even drink that much. Stop being a baby. You're fine." He finally let go of Remus's hair, snatching his hand away and wiping it on his jeans like he'd touched something dirty. The tears that pricked the back of his eyes were such a common occurrence around him that he didn't even notice them. He leaned his face back out the window and tried to steady his vision, it was swimming before him. Bile burned in the back of his throat and he gagged. "If you throw up I swear to God you'll regret it." _

_ Remus leaned back in just soon enough to realize that the too bright lights weren't from the street lights anymore. A truck was driving right towards them, he could ever remember when they ended up in this lane, if it as intentional or just a drunken drift. But the crunch of the car folding in on itself would haunt him for the rest of his life. The sickening feeling of being stopped so abruptly woke him with a start. _

Remus sat up clutching his sheets, his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat. It had been years since the accident but he still had that dream when it rained. The clock on his nightstand blared 3:07 AM at him in bright numbers, the scar across his chest ached as he lay back down trying to convince his body to go back to sleep.


	2. The Regular

“That hot guy is at the bar again.” Marlene nudged Remus from his leaning position across from the line where he was waiting for his tables food to come up. 

He scrunched up his nose, “What hot guy?” 

“The one in the suit with the dark hair. You know, the posh one.” Suddenly he remembered the guy who had been coming in every Wednesday for the past few weeks. He had been a fair tipper and an easy person to talk to so Remus hadn’t paid too much attention to anything else about it. But if he thought about it he supposed he was easy enough on the eyes. 

Walking through the small squeaky door that connected the bar to the kitchen he ducked around the corner and smiled at the man. He was on the phone speaking loudly, “I don’t care what Orion said, I told them already that the deal is for five percent. Anything less than that and we lose that deal. I worked on this for months Peter, don’t let it fall apart now.” Remus placed a coaster in front of him and smiled quietly. 

“Water?” He mouthed silently. Sterling grey eyes met his, the man offered Remus a smile and a nod by way of greeting. As quietly as he could, he filled a cup with ice and tried to ignore the rest of the conversation. But it was slow season and it was hard not to hear the only person in the bar that was talking. 

“Put Rosier on. I don’t care, you’re not listening to me. Go get him out of the fucking bathroom for christ’s sake.” The stress in his voice was palpable. Remus placed the now full glass and a straw down in front of him and went to check on his other guests. Everyone was fine but he could see Marlene standing in the side station staring at the man at the end of the bar like she was starving and he was the only food around for miles. Rolling his eyes he popped back into the kitchen. 

A quick moving mass of red hair rushed passed him, “Hi, Rem. I’m late, I’ll say a proper hello in just a mo’.” Lily had her hair tie in her mouth as she made her way into the manager's office. 

Remus looked up at the screen that let them know when their tables food was ready, his food for a family of four who sat in the bar for some unknown reason was ready. He pulled it out of the window and set it on the tray before squeezing his way through the bar door to head out to the tables that sat separated from the rest of the restaurant. Most of his days were filled with the same repetitive motions; drinks, salad and bread, entrees, dessert, check. But it was easier than people gave it credit for and it paid the bills. The flexibility and short hours helped when he wasn't feeling well and it didn't take a toll on him emotionally. All in all, it wasn't a bad job, it just got boring at times. 

As he rounded the end of the bar and stepped back into the bar area he could hear the man on the phone still, “I’m trying to take lunch, just fucking take care of it. If I come back and this deal fell through and I have to explain this to Rockwood, I’m throwing both of you under the fucking bus with me. Jesus.” He hung up and set his phone down on the bartop with a sharp sound of plastic and glass hitting stone.

“Can I get you anything else to drink?” He asked setting the tray on the counter behind him. 

“Please.” He’d threaded his hands through his long dark hair and was staring at the bar while he spoke. “A scotch double on the rocks.” 

“You got it.” Remus turned his back to him to grab the right bottle off of the shelf, counting as he poured it into the right glass. He walked to the end of the bar where the ice was and scooped some into the glass at the same time Lily opened the bar door making him jump at the familiar squeak. “Would it kill you to knock?”

She just smiled, knowing that he was just teasing her. She wrapped her arms around him in an affectionate hug. “I have so much to tell you about last night. God, I wish you’d come out with us more.” She pouted.

“Let me get this order and then we’ll talk about whatever debauchery caused you to be late.” He placed a black sipper straw in the glass and walked back down to the other end of the bar. Setting the short glass next to the untouched water he did his best to smile at the man in the suit who was trying to hang his suit jacket on the back of his chair. “Soup and the lunch portion of the chicken parm sandwich again?” 

When the man turned back to him he seemed completely unphased by the previous conversation that he’d been having, any sign of tension had faded from his face as he focused on Remus. “Aw, Remus, you remember my order?” He beamed at him. 

Trying not to roll his eyes he just nodded, “All in a day's work.” He walked over to the cash register and put in the order before turning to go back into the kitchen. Remus stopped short when he saw Lily was still standing in the small corner in front of the door. She had a weird look on her face, Remus felt like he’d seen that look before but he couldn’t place it. “What?” He asked slowly drawing out the last few letters. 

“He likes you.” She smirked pushing the door open so they could both go through together.

Ah, that’s what that look was, Remus thought to himself “No, he doesn’t. Shut up. Tell me about your night.” 

She playfully smacked his arm and then leaned against the dessert cooler, “So, I met this guy. He was terrible at first but after I called him out on his bullshit he seemed to shape up. We went to that place downtown that has all the frozen drinks for two dollars on Tuesday nights.”

“The one where the floor is sticky?” Remus shook his head and ladeled soup into a bowl. 

“Yes, now shut up. He actually works in this area, lots of crazy dark curls, glasses. He was wearing a button down and a tie. By the end of the night the tie was tied around his head. God it was just the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.” Lily went on while he went and found clean spoons in the dish pit. “I don’t know if I want to see him again, but it was fun while it lasted. You know most men run when I go in on the feminism thing, but he took it in stride, so maybe there’s something there. I gave him my number, so who knows.” She shrugged.

Dorcas, one of the hosts, walked in, “Lils, 24 is sat.” 

Lily nodded, red messy bun rocking unsteadily on the top of her head. “But did you sleep with him?” Remus asked pausing before opening the bar door. 

She looked back at him, green eyes twinkling, “No. But he walked me home. It was kinda sweet in a way.” 

“Well, I’m glad you had fun.”

“You could have fun too if you weren’t so stubborn.”

"You know that's not the reason I don't go out anymore." She rolled her eyes and went out the swinging door towards the dining room. Remus opened the door and stepped back into the bar, the ticket machine that said a server had rung in drinks had a small chit sticking out of it. “Cheese on your soup?” He asked setting the bowl down in front of the man at the end of the bar. 

“Loads, please.” There was something about the way that this man stared at him while he grated cheese that made him wonder if Lily was right. But he brushed the thought away, most people loved you when you grated cheese on their food. His cell phone started buzzing on the bar and he just huffed and silenced it. 

“Enjoy.” Remus smiled and walked over to the ticket. He read the ticket and set about making the drinks that were rung in, keeping an eye on his other table while doing so. 

Marlene appeared in the side station smirking, “Think he’s single? He’s not wearing a ring.” The pretty blonde craned her neck to look at the end of the bar over Remus’ shoulder. She was a shark when it came to attractive people that stepped foot in the restaurant. 

Lily walked up behind her and hip checked her so that she could reach the drinks Remus had just finished making. “You’ve really got to expand your dating pool past people who eat here Marlene.” 

“I’m just saying he’s hot. I’m hot. Maybe he’d like to have some fun sometime.” She huffed and started walking away. 

Lily smirked as she balanced her drinks on her tray, “I don’t think you’ve got the parts required for him to have some fun.” She called out to Marlene, who flipped her the bird before walking back out into guest view. “I have excellent gaydar.” She winked at Remus and turned to leave. 

They’d been friends for more years than Remus could count, Lily had known he was gay before he had even entertained the thought. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and placed it on top of the cash register and started reading a book he’d downloaded a few days ago. “What are you reading?” A voice called and his head snapped up. Remus was relieved to see it was the patron at the end of the bar and not his manager speaking to him. 

He smiled and walked down so that he was face to face with the man. “Just a fantasy novel, a friend of mine recommended recently. Do you read a lot?” 

“Nah, a bit too busy for any recreational reading lately. The only thing I read lately are contracts.” Remus finally had an excuse to take in the other man’s appearance. The high cheek bones and slender nose screamed good breeding. His hair was to his shoulders, longer than any of the other businessmen that came in from the nearby office buildings. With his sleeves rolled up Remus could just see the edge of a tattoo peeking out. The more he thought about it the more he figured Marlene had been right to call him attractive. 

“What do you do? There are quite a few businesses in the area.” He asked figuring he should at least try to do his job while talking. He walked over to where the glasses he’d washed earlier were drying, he started to put away some of the glasses.

“I’m an account agent for a large company. I keep people happy until they sign, sometimes I do some negotiating on behalf of the company. It’s all really dull, to be honest.” The answer was vague and Remus got the vibe that he didn’t want to talk about where he worked. 

He nodded as if he understood, he’d only ever worked in food and beverage in his life. “It’s something you’ve got to make time for if you enjoy, the reading.” 

“I wish, but my job doesn’t allow me a whole lot of free time between wining and dining people who could literally buy the restaurants I take them too.” Remus heard the bar door open and Lily walked out with the sandwich and passed it to him, she had that look in her eye again. Remus set the plate down in front of him and smiled.

“All I have is free time, honestly. I kind of wish I had more things to do.” Remus commented more to himself than the handsome man.

“Are you in school?” He asked between bites of his sandwich. 

Remus shook his head, “I didn’t finish, I got in a really bad accident when I started going and had to drop out.” He smiled, doing his best to keep his tone light, he didn't want to talk about the accident, he never did.

“Well, if you ever go back, get a degree in something you love, not just a degree because society dictates it. That’s all I have to say about college.” The way that he licked salt off his lips was distracting as Remus stocked glasses in the beer cooler directly in front of him, he could feel his heart rate pick up pace slightly.

“So I take it you don’t like your job?” Remus asked. 

He shrugged, “It’s a job, I couldn’t really get out of it if I tried. Liking it makes no difference.”

“I see.” His phone buzzed on the bar again, he silenced it and slipped it into his pocket, "This is one of those just-a-job jobs, so I get it." There was something about his movements that seemed so easy and laid back, Remus was jealous of the air of relative calm about him. Remus could see his table trying to wave him down. “Shit, I have to go get them their check.” He mumbled to himself but saw the other man smile as if he’d heard him. Rushing over to the cash register he printed out the ticket and placed it in a checkbook. Placing a few mints on top he hurried over to the family. After getting their payment he turned back and found Marlene at the end of the bar talking to the man at the end of the bar.

Walking past them he caught a bit of their conversation. 

Marlene’s fake laugh grated against his ears, “You’re so clever. I like that!” She reached out and touched his arm. “I’m Marlene. You come here a lot, don’t you think it’s time that we know your name?” Remus made quick eye contact with him over Marlene’s shoulder and shook his head ever so slightly. 

The credit card machine beeped at him and he took the printed papers to sign and placed them in the book with a pen. “While that’s very kind,” He took Marlene’s hand off his arm and set it on the cool bar top. “If you’re such a fan of cleverness I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.” Remus tried to stifle a laugh as he walked by the pair. Marlene huffed and walked out of the bar, he took it that she wasn’t used to being shot down. 

“Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of your day.” Remus said handing the family their check. He walked back towards the bar, wiping his hands on the linen tucked at the small of his back.

“She really lays it on thick huh?”

“She’s been known to be that way.” 

“Thank you for the save. I might have given her my name out of pity if you hadn’t.” He pushed his now empty plates forward towards Remus. “She’s not wrong though.”

Remus raised his eyebrows taking the plates, “About?”

“The name thing. I mean, yours is on your shirt,” He pointed to the round button on Remus’ chest that said ‘WINE GURU’ in curly cursive above his name. 

“We get a lot of people that come and go, I don’t think I know anyone’s names.” Remus set the dishes on the end of the bar near the kitchen door and turned around to print out his check. 

“Sirius.” 

“Um….yeah, I’m serious.” 

He laughed, “No, my name is Sirius, like the star.”

Remus felt his cheeks flush, “Oh, god, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ve heard that more times than you can count.” He slid the check and mints over the bar towards Sirius. “No rush or anything.” He mumbled still feeling really dumb about the whole name thing. 

Sirius smiled, a genuine smile that reached his eyes for the first time. “I’m usually the one making the serious jokes, if I’m honest.” He put some cash in the check presenter and glanced at his watch. “Shit, I do have to go though. I’ve got a meeting in 15 minutes. Have a good week Remus.” 

He stood and slipped his jacket back on before giving Remus a small nod and turning on his heel to walk away. Remus watched him leave, there was something lazy and graceful in the way he walked. As soon as he stepped out of the front door Lily opened the bar door, causing him to jump again. 

She raised her eyebrows at him, “I’ve never seen you talk to a guest for so long. So, how did that go?”

He rolled his eyes and grabbed the check book, walking towards the cash register he opened it and was shocked to find a sizable tip and a cocktail napkin with Sirius’ phone number scrawled across it. “It went well.” Remus smiled slipping the napkin into his pants pocket.

“Ms. Evans, get out from behind the bar as you are not a bartender.” A stern voice called from the front of the restaurant. They both looked up to find Minerva looking at them over the tops of her glasses. 

A week or two passed, the crumpled napkin with the number on it long forgotten, lost somewhere in the wash. Remus was pouting about opening the bar again for the fourth time that week. Opening the bar sucked, honestly, he had to get there two hours before restaurant even opened to set everything back up. At least Remus got to do it with headphones on and he didn’t really have to talk to anyone while doing it. He clocked in, put his headphones on and went to work getting the bar set up for the rest of the day. 

In the middle of slicing lemon wheels he noticed the front door being opened, Moody, the kitchen manager was walking a nicely dressed person towards the to go counter. They must be picking up a catering order, Remus thought and went back to cutting fruit with a knife that really should be sharpened in the near future. He jumped when he heard a bar stool being pulled out over the sound of his music. Glancing up he was surprised to find Sirius staring at him, he pulled his headphones out and smiled. 

“Was I really just having that whole conversation with myself?” He asked settling into the chair across from Remus’ fruit cutting set up. 

“‘Fraid so. No one is ever in here this early so I’m allowed to wear headphones, and I like my music loud.” 

Sirius scratched the back of his neck, he looked good today, his hair was slicked back in a low ponytail. “I was saying how funny it was to see you here since I hadn’t received so much as a text from you since I had given you my number. And since that was the case I had assumed that you were dead.” 

Remus turned away from him to put a now full fruit container back in the cooler, “That’s a bold assumption. Maybe I just wasn’t interested?” 

When he turned back around he watched Sirius’ face go through a series of emotions before he realized that Remus was teasing him. “Well, then that would just be the let down of the century. I mean, what with all the staring, what is a boy to think?” 

Remus shrugged, continuing to act like this was a normal conversation and his heart wasn’t seconds from beating out of his chest. “Maybe that I’m straight, or in a relationship? Or maybe that I don’t go out with customers?” 

“You’re certainly not straight, I know better than to think that sharp eyed little redhead is your girlfriend.” 

“And if I told you that she is?” 

“I’d have to call you a liar Remus.” 

“Fair enough. I’m just messing with you. Honestly, I put the napkin in my pocket and then washed those pants before it even occurred to me. The rest of that shift was a nightmare.” 

Sirius reached across the bar for another cocktail napkin, “On second thought, just let me see your phone.” 

Remus scoffed, feeling incredulous at the idea of just handing his phone over. “You’re incredibly bold, has anyone ever told you that before?”

“I’m very used to getting my way, that’s what makes me so good at my job.” He held his hand out and waited for Remus to hand over his phone. He handed over his phone, knowing full well that he wouldn't take off with it. A couple clicks later Sirius pulled his own phone out of his pocket and smiled at the text he'd sent himself. "There, now there is no ignoring me." 

"Why do I feel like I've suddenly made a deal with the devil?" Sirius slid the phone back across the bar towards him, fingers lingering under Remus's for just a moment longer than necessary. His hand felt warm, and heat spread through Remus's chest. 

Sirius winked, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Isn’t that the saying?” 

“But do I really know you?” Remus smirked. 

“I mean, what do you want to know?” Sirius asked playing with the scraps of fruit on the cutting board. 

Remus gestured with the knife in his hand, “Oh, I don’t know. What about your family? Your goals? Your past? The normal things that people discuss.” 

Something came over Sirius’ features, “I mean, no one really wants to know those things. I feel like, do you like your hair pulled and what’s your drink of choice are much more common these days. And you already know one of those!” He wheeled a lemon wheel across the cutting board towards Remus. 

“Sounds like you’ve had poor company as of late.” 

“Does that mean that you’d like the be the better company?” Sirius smirked up at him through long lashes. 

Remus smiled at the bold man sitting across from him, “If I said yes, I feel like that would be too easy to satisfy you.”

“Mmm, I do like a chase.” He smiled, it reached those stunning grey eyes, they sparkled as if he could tease Remus with just a look, and Remus supposed that he could. 

Moody stood at the entrance of the bar and coughed, “Sir, your catering order is ready. I need you to come and sign for it.” He looked deeply uncomfortable about Sirius sitting in the bar and bothering Remus. 

“Sure thing boss, I was just saying hello to my favorite bartender.” Sirius slipped from the bar stool with practiced grace. “I’ll text you Remus. Till next time and all that.” With a wave of his hand he turned and left the bar without a backwards glance. Remus watched Mary MacDonald, the to go girl, walk Sirius out with his bags. It didn’t take more than 20 minutes for his phone to light up with a text from Sirius. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD   
_You look so good when you think no one is watching you. 

Remus rolled his eyes and tucked the phone away in his pocket again. He wouldn’t be able to deal with the ridiculousness that was Sirius until after he’d finished setting up the bar. Remus could feel the phone vibrate in his pocket but he didn’t get a chance to look at it until he was a few hours into his shift and by that time he’d received quite a few messages. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD _  
God this meeting is so booooooring  
REMUS!!!!!  
Please answer me.  
I’m dying.

_ Me  
_Oh my god, I am working.

_Sirius SEX GOD   
_Entertain me.

_Me_  
And just how would like you me to do that?  
Wait.  
Don’t answer that.

And slowly as the weeks went on Remus grew accustomed to Sirius showing up on Wednesdays, sitting in the same spot, ordering the same drink. They would chat if it was slow, or Sirius would text him inappropriate things if it were busy and he didn’t have the time. Sirius started being on a first name basis with most of the staff, occasionally harassing the other bartenders if Remus was late coming in for a night shift.

They had easy conversations about where they went to school and what they liked as children. Remus learned that Sirius wasn’t close with his family, but he did dote on his brother, who was set up to start an internship with the mayor in the summer. And in turn he shared that his father was on the school board as part of his retirement after teaching for many years. He learned that Sirius lived with his childhood best friend, and considered him more family than most of his blood relations. Sirius’s jokes grew bolder as they spent more time talking in person and over texts, lots of innuendos and winks came from the other man. And Remus wasn’t the only one to notice, Lily teased him about his regular relentlessly. It added something for him to look forward to in the middle of the week, and Remus would never admit it to Sirius, but he was growing to really enjoy his company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me at discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com if you want to chat. Not sure if there's a steady update schedule for this but most of it's already written and just needs tweaking.


	3. Day to Day

On Thursday afternoons Remus went to therapy, he’d been going since the night of the accident. At first it was at the behest of his parents and he reluctantly went along with it, but now he knew it was something that had saved his life and allowed him to continue moving forward. Lily always picked him up after and they would go out for dinner, their weekly dinners had started out as a reward system and a way to keep him accountable for going at all. There was an insane amount of support in his life that he would be grateful for for the rest of his life, without it he wouldn’t have made it this far.

Lily pulled up in her beat up old car, “Get in loser we’re going shopping.” She smiled through the rolled down windows. 

A light chuckle, a welcome difference from the heavy conversations he’d been having for the past hour, worked its way out of his chest. “Are we really though? I was looking forward to food. Turns out crying is hard work and it makes you hungry.” 

He climbed into the car, settling into the familiar seat and buckling the seat belt. There were a lot of residual things from his previous relationship that he was still working through, but the fear of getting into an accident again was firmly rooted in him. Lily took in his appearance, puffy eyes and hair that he’d been running his hands through for the past hour, “We’ll eat after. I want to pick up stuff for the Halloween party.” 

Every year the two of them threw a huge Halloween party at Lily’s parents' house, it was a big deal and they typically invited everyone they knew. “So guest list?” He asked, pulling his phone out, it was easier for him to sit in a car if he could distract himself in a way, and Lily knew it.

“Everyone from work,” She said pulling the car out of the spot carefully. There was a part of him that knew that Lily drove extra careful when he was in the care, he just didn’t know how to thank her for that and everything else she’d done for him. He typed names into his phone as Lily rattled them off so they didn’t forget anyone. 

“And James.” She said with a terse tone.

“So he’s sticking around then?” Remus kept his eyes resolutely trained on his phone.

“He works early in the morning so I’m not sure how long he’ll be around. But this is a test run, to see if I can stand him around our friends. Sirius is coming, yeah?” 

“I think so, I talked to him about it a few days ago, he seemed interested.” 

“Do you think I should invite Petunia? I never see her now that she’s gotten engaged.”

“That woman is too much to deal with during a regular day, let alone if she was surrounded by all of our drunk ass friends.” 

“That’s fair. I wanted to swing by the liquor store and the party store. Did you ever decide on a costume? If it’s difficult we should start on it soon.” 

“Sounds good. And no I haven’t settled on anything.” 

“Well, it’s a great excuse to be a slut. Just saying. No shade.” 

Remus laughed, moments like this with Lily in the car with the windows down were some of his favorite moments. Over the years they had been on road trips together like this, they had cried about past boys like this, and they had driven home a little more drunk then was safe in this car, but that had been before the accident. He was still trying to work his way back to being able to truly enjoy it without fear coursing under his skin like an electric current.

Lily pulled out a shopping list as soon as they got into the liquor store, “I’m thinking punch, cider if I’m feeling bold, and then the usual suspects.” She said grabbing a cart. 

“I think punch is the easiest, and you can put almost anything in it and it will still taste alright.” Remus shrugged and followed her through the aisles with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. 

“Can you go grab me a bottle of tequila that you’ll approve of?”

“That felt pointed.” 

“It was, you’re a snob about your liquors Mr. Bartender.” She stuck her tongue out and turned towards the wines. Remus rolled his eyes and started towards the tequilas, they’d been coming to this liquor store for longer than he’d like to admit so he knew his way around pretty well. He turned the corner and bumped right into someone, his mind had drifted back to the good points his therapist had been making earlier. 

“Oh, sorry.”

“Remus?” His eyes snapped up and went wide at the site of Sirius. He was dressed in plain clothes, though plain might not have been the right word. Dark skinny jeans and a distressed black shirt were a stark contrast to the usual business attire that Remus was used to seeing him in. Edges of a tattoo peeked out of the short sleeve and Remus had never had a more pressing desire to see someone shirtless. The whole thing complimented his dark hair that was loose for once, framing his face and making his grey eyes stand out. It wasn’t fair, Remus decided, here he was looking like a puffy thumb after therapy and there was Sirius looking like a rockstar. 

“H-hi,” He managed, realizing his throat was suddenly dry. 

“Of all the gin joints in all the world, eh?” Sirius smirked, a single dimple appearing on his left cheek.

Remus felt like melting into the floor, “Did you really just quote Casablanca at me?” 

“Depends, did you like it?” Remus only then realized that Sirius hadn’t stepped back, out of his personal space, they were standing closer than they ever had before. The sudden lack of space between them weighed heavily on him, his stomach flipped. 

He shook his head, “I don’t know if I should find it incredibly charming or just really basic?” 

Sirius put a hand to his chest in mock pain, “You wound me.” His eyes caught Remus’s, there was something of a challenge in them, like he was waiting for Remus to either close to space or to step out of it. Without thinking about it Remus stepped back, “We do really have to stop meeting like this, what will people think?”

“That you’re an alcoholic.” Remus deadpanned without missing a beat. “I mean I’m shopping for this Halloween party.” 

“They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” Sirius snarked right back at him. “I’m here to pick up a very specific bottle of whiskey for a client.”

“Because that outfit definitely says that you’re working.” He spoke without thinking.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “What does it say then?”

Remus felt his cheeks color, there was something between them that he couldn’t quite place, it hummed in the air between them. “I don’t know, that you’re playing a sold out show with your band somewhere.” He looked away from Sirius and started looking for a tequila that he would tolerate. 

“Ah, so hot rockstar did come across. Good good.” Sirius’s eyes followed his to the shelf, “Looking for something in particular?”

He shrugged, “Just something I’m willing to drink, tequila isn’t my favorite, so if I have to drink it I’m picky about it.” 

Sirius reached out and picked up a bottle of something gold with a deer on the front, “This one isn’t bad, I’ll always take a reposado over anything else.” 

Remus reached out to take it from him and Sirius pulled the bottle closer to him making Remus step into his space to reach it. He frowned at him, “Sirius,” He warned.

“Yes?”

“Could you just hand me the bottle?”

“But where's the fun in that?”

“The fun is that you get to continue to talk to me and I don’t just walk away.” 

“You make flirting very difficult. Do you know?” 

That struck a chord in him, it vibrated through his chest. “Why are you trying so hard then?” There was no anger or annoyance behind his words, it was a quiet kind of insecurity that held up the words. All of the what if’s that had been circling around in his head over the past month or so rose fresh to the surface.  _ What if he’s only looking to get laid? What if it’s like last time and it’s toxic and I can’t escape it this time? What if I’m wrong and he’s not interested in me at all? What if I can’t have a meaningful relationship after what happened? _ Thoughts swam in his head but it was Sirius’s voice that cut a clear path through the noise.

That stupid smirk was still plastered on his face, “I told you, I like the chase. Nothing worth anything ever came easy.” He took a step forward almost closing the space between them, an inch between their faces and Remus could feel Sirius’s breath on his lips, mixing together with his own in the space between them. 

“Rem, I need your help picking out rum for the punch.” Remus immediately took a step away from Sirius at the sound of Lily rounding the corner. “Oh, hi Sirius. Never thought I’d run into you here.” 

Remus grabbed the bottle of tequila from him and placed it into the cart with enough force to make the wine bottles rock into one another. A quiet pause passed between the three of them stretching out as the tinkling of the bottles continued. “It’s nice to see you Lily.” Sirius said not breaking eye contact with Remus as he said it. 

“Okayyyyyy.” She said under her breath to herself. 

“I ought to be going. I’ve got to work tonight.” Sirius said, eyes still focused on Remus. “I’ll see you around Remus.” And he turned on his heel and headed away from them, further into the store to grab whatever he had come here for. Remus watched him go, a weird mixture of irritation and attraction melded into a warm feeling in his chest. 

Lily stared at Remus, her mouth slightly open, “What the fuck was that?” 

“I’m really not sure.” It was the most honest answer he could muster. He really wasn’t sure why Sirius had been so in his face about what had just happened.

“Did he do something? You look spooked.” There was concern laced in her voice, he’d heard that voice before. 

Remus shook his head, “No, nothing like that. It was just a weird tense moment.” 

“Most people just call that sexual tension and fuck it out.” Convinced she didn’t need to go kick Sirius’s ass Lily visibly relaxed and shrugged her shoulders.

“There’s something about him that drives me crazy.” Remus frowned at the cart and physically shook the thought out of his head. 

“Oh, I keep meaning to ask if you want to go out with everyone tonight? Fabian and Gideon are getting everyone together for a Hog’s Head outing.” 

“Sure, why not.” There was an energy in him that could be easily solved by dancing and drinking with Lily and the girls from work. Remus tried to ignore Lily’s eyebrows raising, it was rare that he wanted to go out lately, work typically took it all out of him, but he was itching to get into some trouble all of the sudden.

“Do you want to invite Sirius?” Lily said from the depths of her closet later that night as they got ready to go out.

“Absolutely not.” Remus said from where he was sitting on the edge of Lily’s bed. 

The red head emerged triumphant with a small sequined article of clothing. She stepped into the bathroom that connected to her bedroom to change. Stepping back out Lily wore a patent leather short skirt and a deep green sequin crop top. “Boots or heels?” She asked holding one of each next to her. “Also, why not?”

“Boots, do you need tights or a coat? It’s starting to get chilly at night.” Remus was dressed in a pair of tan corduroys with a loose dark blue jumper thrown over a plain white tee. “You know why not Lils.” 

She stepped in a pair of boots that looked like they were made to curb stomp people, “I’ll be warm once I’m drunk.” Remus knew full well that alcohol was the best jacket but it never hurt to ask. “You know he would say yes.” She stepped back into the bathroom to put the finishing touches on her hair, leaving the door open. 

Remus stood and leaned against the door frame, he loved watching Lily get ready, he’d been watching her get ready since they were 12 and it never got old. “I doubt that he’d say yes. Plus, I don’t want to make things any weirder between us.” 

They locked eyes in the mirror and Lily put on her ‘I’ve had enough of that’ face, “Rem, you know he’s interested. No one who sends texts about how good your ass looks in your work pants is uninterested.” His eyes fell to a loose string at the edge of his jumper, “I’m not going to push you, I know you’re still going through it, but Sirius isn’t Fenrir. The same things won’t happen to you again. And if they do, I’ll kill him.” 

The mention of the name made Remus’s skin tingle, his mouth felt dry and his stomach turned. “I know, mentally I know that, but I can’t get the what if’s out of my head.” Pain flared under the old scars at the thought of going through anything like that again. 

“Well this is supposed to be a fun night. So we’ll do whatever gives me my happy Remus.” Lily turned to face him green eyes fiercely framed by dark eyeshadow. 

“I’ll be okay once we are there. You know how I am.” He scratched the back of his neck. 

Lily kissed his cheek, “I know. Let’s head out. I think the rest of the girls are already there. The twins are probably going to be late even though it’s their plans.” She rolled her eyes and the two of them headed downstairs to catch an uber. 

Save for birthdays and going away parties it was rare for Remus to even want to go out with such a large group of people. But after the tense moment with Sirius that afternoon he felt the need to get out of his own head. And there was something nice about proving people wrong and showing up for once. The twins, Fabian and Gideon, had decided they wanted to start the night at The Hog’s Head pub downtown, it was walking distance from a few good clubs and familiar enough that everyone had been there a few times before.

The pub was built to look old, all exposed wood and brick weathered down to the bone. The atmosphere was really the appeal, that and there were never too many people there. The music was a low hum under the din of people talking, classic rock songs mixed with some top 40 garbage that he was sure was meant to appeal to the younger crowd. 

It didn’t take them more than a few minutes to find their friends, occupying a large round booth in the back. They folded into the group easily slotting themselves in between coworkers. “What, no date?” Marlene quipped at Remus with a smirk. 

Remus rolled his eyes, “Shut up Marlene. It’s not like you showed up with one either.” 

“Yikes, you need to drink some more so you’re nice to me again.” 

He raised the bottle of beer that Lily had just handed him in her direction, taking a long drink from it. Marlene rolled her eyes, there was something about her that had always rubbed Remus the wrong way. She was insanely needy at work, always asking for help even when it wasn’t busy, and then when she went out, she managed to always make it about her.

“And here I was looking forward to some eye candy tonight.” 

“Get your own eye candy Marls.” Lily tried to shoo her away with a light tone.

“Oh come on, how long has it been Remus? I feel like I haven’t seen you out with anyone in years.” Remus felt the cold sweat break out on his brow as he quickly swallowed down the rest of his beer.

Lily put herself between them, “Leave it McKinnon.” She fixed the other girl with a look that meant she wasn’t joking around any longer. The blonde raised her hands in surrender and walked to the other side of the table looping an arm around Dorcas’s shoulders.

“Thank you.” Remus breathed a sigh of relief. Ever since his ex he’d had a hard time trusting anyone again, they hadn’t had the most healthy relationship, it made it impossible to try and have a relationship. There had been a small number of men Remus had drunkenly made out with since then but nothing that lasted more than an evening. 

“It’s none of her business. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.” She patted the back of his hand with a smile. Remus was infinitely grateful for Lily’s unending friendship and support, he had no idea where he would be without her. Remus’s phone vibrated against his leg, he pulled it out and glared at Sirius’s name on the screen, that weird mixture of annoyance and attraction springing up in him again. Lily smiled and turned her attention towards Alice, who was going on about a date that her and Frank had been on recently. 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to open the text, this was supposed to be a fun night out with his friends, he didn’t really want to deal with Sirius and the way he made him feel just yet. Flashbacks of trying to go out when he was with his ex came rushing back, a sudden sick acidic taste rose up the back of his throat, he could taste it in his mouth. He must have pulled a face because Benjy, one of the servers, leaned over and asked if he was doing alright. 

Remus nodded weakly, “Yeah, just a little tired. I had a weird day.” 

“Don’t let Marlene get to you, it’s just all that repressed big lesbian energy.” He smiled, there was something sweet in his eyes that Remus had never noticed at work before. “I’ll grab you another?” He asked pointing at his now empty beer. 

The twins arrived later than they had planned, all loud voices and boisterous charms. Fabian and Gideon were the only pair of twins Remus had ever known to be inseparable, they were always attached at the hip, outside of rare bar shifts he didn’t think he’d ever seen them apart from one another. They hugged him from either side and kissed the top of his head. “Awww, Rem we didn’t know you were coming!”

“Yes, my presence is a gift. You’re welcome.” Benjy handed him another beer and he felt the tension of the day start to melt away, these were his people, and despite their obvious flaws he loved them.

“You know we’re just teasing you.” Fabian smiled, it was a wicked smile, the same smile that him and Gideon shared every time they pulled a prank on him in the bar. 

Gideon’s face shared the same smile, “Come on Rem, you know we love you.” 

Remus raised a suspicious eyebrow at the pair, “I don’t like your face.” 

“Ouch, sucks to suck Fab,” Gideon laughed. 

Fabian lightly punched his shoulder, “We share the same face idiot.” They leaned into each other, whispering something before exploding into laughter and walking away to make their rounds and say their hellos. Remus just shook his head, there wasn’t much to be done about that, when the twins were up to something there was no stopping them. 

He raised his beer in Benjy’s direction as a thank you before taking a sip, “I think we’re going to head to Rosmerta’s after this round.” Lily said leaning back over towards Remus. Rosmerta’s was the club across the street, they’d all been going for longer than they could remember. Remus recalled sneaking in once or twice with Lily before they had actually turned 18. “The twins are up to something.” She whispered lowering her voice so only Remus could hear her. 

“I know, they were whispering. I never trust them when they do that.” 

“I want to know what it is, I’m going to go bother them.” She walked around the booth to where they were standing, hands on her hips and that intense look on her face. 

“How long have you two known each other?” Benjy asked from beside him, Remus wasn’t sure when he’d sat back down. 

Remus sipped his beer, “Oh god, Lily and I have been friends since we were 12, so that’s what? 14 years now, jesus.” 

“Are you two together?” Remus choked on his beer, coughing as he managed to swallow it down instead of spitting it across the table. Benjy laughed, “I’ll take that as a no.” 

“God no. She’s my best friend, that’s all. Though I do love her dearly.” 

“She’s a force of nature if nothing else.” He stated as they watched her poke one of the twins in the chest. It was always funny to watch Lily intimidate people that were so much bigger than her. Fabian held his hands up in surrender and walked away from her, she fixed Gideon with a very firm look before he followed suit. 

“She really is.” He mused finishing his second beer. “We’re heading to Rosmerta’s after this round, are you coming?”

“I think I could tag along. I work tomorrow night so I don’t have to be up early or anything.” Benjy smiled. Lily was walking back towards him, booted feet making heavy sounds across the exposed concrete floor. “I’m going to close out and I’ll be right back. Don’t leave without me?”

“Wouldn’t dare.” Remus smiled. “So, did you find out what they’re up to now?”

“Yes, but I think I’ve put a pin in that for now.” She swept her long hair over her shoulder, “I’m itching to dance now.” 

"That’s called adrenaline Lily. It’s what happens when you berate people.” 

“Berate is such a strong word though.” Benjy caught back up with them as everyone was starting to stand. Remus always forgot how tall he was until he was standing next to people without the bar in between them, Benjy only came up to his shoulders. Their large group made their way across the old brick street that they closed down at night so that no one drove through this part of downtown. The night air was cool against his skin, it was a nice change to the stagnant warm air of the bar. 

Lily looped her arm through Remus’s as they breezed past the door man with a smile and a wink, laughing with their friends. This felt right, Remus thought to himself, he was starting to finally feel like his old self again. They grabbed a table in the corner, throwing down jackets and purses, Remus shed his jumper and dropped it on the table. The loud dance music and the flashing lights felt like home, he pushed away the thought that this is where he met Fenrir and chose to focus on Lily instead.

Marlene handed Remus a drink, it was clear and strong, “Sorry about before.” She mumbled before disappearing into the crowd with Dorcas. He downed the drink and wondered if Benjy had been right earlier about Marlene’s repressed lesbian energy.

“Let’s dance.” She said pulling him out onto the floor, “You too Benjy.” She said smiling at him around Remus’s shoulder. The three of them wormed their way into an open space on the dance floor, Remus could feel the beat pulsing through his chest, he closed his eyes and let his body move. All of the weirdness and exhaustion of the day melting off of him in sheets as they danced happily along to the music. Remus was used to dancing with Lily after being friends for so long, but Benjy’s hands on his hips were something new. And he’d had just enough alcohol that it didn’t seem like a big deal. 

The three of them stayed like that for a few songs, feeling warm and overwhelmed Remus stepped away from them and made his way to the bar. A familiar voice floated over towards him from a few barstools down, “Prongs, he’s dancing with someone else. Clearly you do not understand the severity of the situation. Don’t call me a drama queen.” Sirius was leaning against the bar, once again in business clothes. A button down with the sleeves rolled up was tucked into pressed slacks, Remus took his drink and walked over. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He said stepping into Sirius’s field of vision and watching those grey eyes go wide with recognition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos thus far! I hope you're all enjoying it. As always you can find me at discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com if you want to chat. I'm leaning towards updating every couple of days.


	4. Waxing Tension

Sirius pulled the phone away from his face and hung up on whoever he’d been talking to. “Oh, erm, hello there.”

“How are you suddenly everywhere?” Remus’s eyes narrowed.

“Client.” Sirius said pointing to a VIP booth in the back where a group of businessmen all sat with their jackets off smoking and drinking. “How much of that did you hear?” 

“Just the bit about you being a drama queen.” Sirius seemed to relax at that, easily slipping back into the cocky persona that Remus was growing accustomed to. “How did you end up with a fancy business client in Rosmerta’s? Shouldn’t you take people to like Vegas or something?” 

“They’re locals.” He said it as if it explained everything. “Did you get my message?” 

Remus remembered the buzzing of his phone that he’d ignored earlier. “I haven’t opened it.” He leaned next to Sirius on the bar, elbow against the mildly sticky wood. They were pushed closer and closer as people came up to the bar to order drinks. 

“Maybe you should.” Sirius held his gaze, something Remus couldn’t quite place in those eyes. The familiar sound of a round of beers hitting the bar made Remus turn his head to find Rosmerta herself looking at them with a knowing smirk playing on her lips.

“It’s good to see you Remus.” She smiled at him, “Finish that and I’ll grab you your regular.” 

“You know Rosmerta?” 

Eyes still locked with Sirius’s Remus knocked back the sweet gin drink he’d ordered a few minutes ago. “I’ve known her for years.” 

“Interesting.” Sirius picked up the round of beers that had been placed on the counter, long slender fingers wrapping around the necks of a couple of bottles in each hand. “Well, you know where I am.” He smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes before turning to head back towards his group. 

“Be careful with that one.” Rosmerta warned passing Remus a bright blue drink, it was what he’d been ordering for years but somehow it seemed a little stronger every time Rosmerta herself made him one. “I’ve seen him burn through men quicker than you could count them. Is the whole group here?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, we’re at the table by the patio door.” She held up a finger and then came back with a tray full of shot glasses. 

Carefully she filled them up and pushed the tray towards him, “On the house. Send them my love.” She walked away, bun of curls wiggling on top of her head as she moved on to other patrons. 

Remus made his way through the crowd with the tray, it was times like these that he was glad he had experience serving, it was easy to lift the tray above his head and bob and weave without spilling the shots all over. “Hey!” He raised his voice over everyone’s conversations. “Rosmerta sends her love, and shots.” He placed the tray in the middle of the table. 

A round of applause went around, Fabian shouted his love for her across the club, she blew a kiss in response. They all grabbed one, “To another good night that no one will remember in the morning.” Gideon said raising his glass high. Benjy caught Remus’s eyes and winked before everyone clicked their shots together, tapped them on the table, and downed the contents. Whatever it was was freezing, Remus could feel it all the way down his chest, the cold felt relieving after the warmth he’d been feeling from dancing. 

Lily appeared at his side, leaning against him, “Did I see Sirius?” Her cheek was warm against his arm.

“Yeah, he’s here with some clients I guess.” He gestured to the VIP booth where Sirius was sitting in the middle of the group animatedly talking with his hands. They were nice hands, Remus thought looking over at him, he seemed so in his element surrounded by those types of people.

“What’s going on there? Inquiring minds want to know.” 

“I told you I don’t know Lils.” Remus ran a hand through his hair, “Who wants to know anyway?”

“I promised I wouldn’t say.” 

Remus could feel the liquor starting to catch up to him, his cheeks tingled like they were starting to go numb. “I didn’t want to deal with this tonight.” He mumbled into his drink.

Lily scratched his back, her nails felt nice against his skin that was prickled with heat and a mixture of emotions that he wasn’t ready to deal with quite yet. “Then don’t let’s dance and just have fun. Ignore him.”

He scoffed, “Easy for you to say.” She laughed and grabbed him by the wrist to pull him back out on the dance floor. He did his best to try and ignore Sirius, well maybe not his best, sneaking glances to see if Sirius was watching him definitely happened more than he’d like to admit. And more than a few times he did catch the other man staring, when he did, he felt his breath hitch in his chest and it was like no one else existed around them. 

At some point Benjy joined them again, hands on Remus’s hips, warm where his shirt had slipped up and exposed his hip bone. Remus turned away from Sirius to face Benjy, blue eyes looked up at him with shock before settling into a heady kind of attracted look. It lasted less than a minute before someone was behind him, cool hands gripping his belt loops and spinning him back around. Suddenly face to face with Sirius and pulled free of Benjy’s grasp Remus glared at him, “If you were trying to make me jealous, it’s working.” 

Some part of Remus’s brain is vaguely aware of Lily stepping between Remus and Benjy directing him away from where Sirius heldRemus firmly rooted. “I was trying to ignore you.” They were so close together that Remus could feel Sirius’s breath mixing with his again. Under the flashing lights he could see the sweat that was clinging to the high points of Sirius’s collarbone, exposed by his shirt being unbuttoned more than it had been before. 

“That’s not what it looked like,” Sirius said starting to move their hips to the beat of the music, slotting his leg between Remus’s. He felt his cheeks light up and knew he was red in the face, unsure if it was proximity or Sirius’s accusations he looked down at the floor over his shoulder.

Faux confidence spurred on by the liquor coursing through his veins he looked back up making eye contact again, silver eyes bore into his. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Remus looped his arms around Sirius’s neck, resting easy on his shoulders. He could feel Sirius’s pony tail brush against his hands, it took everything in him not to untie it and run his fingers through it freely. 

“They just left.” The way that Sirius is holding him was starting to drive him wild, there was just enough space between them that he wasn’t getting the friction he really wanted out of it. His breath was warm, Remus was starting to feel too hot in the crowded space. “You still haven’t read my message have you?” He shook his head no and ducked his head down again, looking at the space between them instead of directly at Sirius. “You really ought to.” He breathed against Remus’s ear. 

And just as quickly as he had invaded Remus’s space and stolen all of his attention he was backing away. The tunnel vision he’d had on Sirius opened up so that he could see everyone around them again. “I’ve got to go though, read it when you get a chance?” Sirius smirked tilting Remus’s chin up so he could meet his eyes again. Remus felt his breath hitch in his lungs, positive that Sirius was about to close the distance between them. His mind raced with a million thoughts, “Have a good night Remus.” He whispered leaving Remus alone on the dance floor confused as to if that had even really just happened. 

A few moments passed before Remus made his way back towards his group of friends, Lily was at his side immediately, “You alright? That looked intense.” 

“I think I am, actually.” Now that his pulse wasn’t roaring through is ears he pulled his phone out of his pocket, the text notification from the beginning of the night was flashing at him from the screen. Remus felt drunk off of the moment that had just passed, he knew that he was actually drunk, but there was something so much more intoxicating about Sirius. Against his better judgement he clicked on the notification and opened the message.

_ Sirius SEX GOD   
_ So that was a weird thing that happened this afternoon. I didn’t mean to call you out or make you uncomfortable or anything. I just find you so damn interesting, I can’t stop thinking about you. Just give me a sign if I’m barking up the wrong tree or something. 

His cheeks felt heavy as a wide smile broke out across his face. There was an undertone of insecurity in the message that he knew all too well. With careful and slow precision that was necessary when drunk texting Remus managed to type out a response. 

_ Me  
_ Not the wrong tree. 

Benjy cleared his throat next to Remus, “Hey man, sorry if I was stepping on anyone’s toes,” 

“You weren’t. Don’t worry about it, he’ll forget about it soon enough.” Remus waved away the awkward tension between them. Benjy looked like he was going to say something else when someone crashed into Remus and pushed him into Benjy. Grateful for the steady arms that caught him Remus just smiled, “Thanks. Have you seen the twins? I think I’m going to start heading out.” 

He gestured to where they were sitting with some girls Remus had never seen before, “I’ll see you at work sometime.” Benjy said a sad down swing in his voice that Remus was too drunk to notice.

“Get home safe,” Remus waved and turned to go hug all of his idiot friends, “Gid, Fab, I’m heading home.” 

“You sure you’re not going to Sirius’s?” Fabian wiggled his eyebrows at him suggestively. 

Remus just rolled his eyes and hugged him around the middle, “Text me when you two make it home.” 

He made his way around the table making sure to hug Marlene before he left, he harbored no real hate for her, just mild annoyance when she had that attitude. “We’re cool?” She asked, her voice sounding smaller than he’d ever heard it. 

“Yeah, we’re cool.” Remus kissed her cheek and met Lily around the end of the table where she’d been chatting with the rest of the girls. “Lils, I’m going to head home.”

“Promise me that you’re okay.” 

“I swear. I’m just exhausted.” 

“Brunch at the Three Brooms in the morning?”

“Yeah, text me when you’re up.” 

“Text me when you’re home.” Remus hugged her, he said his last goodbye to Rosmerta and stepped out into the cool almost morning air. It had been ages since he’d been out so late, it was easy enough to grab and uber and make it home, crashing into his bed with a contented sigh. His phone vibrated as he texted their large work group chat letting everyone know that he’d made it home safely. 

Sirius’s name flashed across the top of the screen. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD   
_ Good, I was worried when I saw you dancing with that other guy. 

_ Me  
_ That’s Benjy, I work with him is all. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD   
_ Oh god, you really are oblivious aren’t you?

__ Me  
What are you on about?  
Also why are you awake?

__ Sirius SEX GOD   
That Benjy kid is absolutely in love with you.  
I had a family thing I had to deal with.  
Are you home?

__ Me  
He is not!  
And yeah I made it home. 

__ Sirius SEX GOD   
Wow, you should tell him that.   
Good, I’m glad you’re safe.   
Shouldn’t you be sleeping?

__ Me  
Whatever.  
I could ask you the same thing.  
Hey, are you coming to our Halloween party?

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ I wouldn’t miss it for the world

_ Me  
_ Good. I’m going to go now before I drunkenly say something stupid. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ No, stay up, tell me something stupid. 

_ Me  
_ Good night Sirius.

__ Sirius SEX GOD  
You’re no fun.   
Good night Remus.

For the first time in a long time Remus fell asleep with a smile on his lips, it was a peaceful dreamless sleep. He was jolted awake by someone opening his front door some time later, “Remus!” Lily was calling into the apartment, she’d probably let herself in with her key. “You didn’t answer your phone so I just came to get you. We’re meeting everyone for brunch in 15, get dressed.” He heard her go rummaging through his kitchen cabinets. 

The red head appeared in his bedroom door with a coffee mug and a bottle of aspirin. “I could kiss you Lily Evans.” He smiled as she passed the things over to him. She made herself at home and walked into Remus’s closet, she tossed a pair of clean light wash jeans and an old college sweatshirt at him. Perched on the edge of his bed she smiled at him with those all knowing green eyes. 

“So?” 

“Yes Lils?” Remus drank down the coffee and took a few of the pills before reaching over and pulling the sweatshirt on over his head. He slipped out of the bed, groaning at how sore his legs felt from dancing, he pulled the jeans on over his boxer briefs. 

Lily dramatically threw herself down across his bed, “Don’t make me beg.”

He looked down at her, red hair spilled out across his comforter, her sunglasses had flown off towards the edge of his pillow. “I don’t have the slightest idea of what you’re talking about.” 

She flipped him the bird and sat up grabbing her sunglasses, she slipped them down covering her dark circles. “The incredibly sexy dance you shared with a certain regular from work that I had to direct Benjy away from to prevent a fight. That’s what I’m talking about. I want to know how it went? What you talked about? If you are seeing him again. I want the details Remus John Lupin.” Lily poked him in the chest, hard. 

“Fine, let’s get going and I’ll tell you in the car.” He gathered his phone and wallet and shoved them into his pockets as he ushered Lily out of the apartment. Just to bother her he didn’t say a single word until they were in her car, buckled and ready to go, she looked like she was about to explode. Smirking he launched into an explanation of what had transpired on the dance floor and their brief text conversation after he had left. 

She practically wriggled with excitement while driving, “I think this could be really good for you babe. I know that it’s scary and it’s been a while but he obviously likes you and is trying to respect your boundaries.” 

They pulled into the parking lot of the small cafe that they’d been coming to hungover for too long. The Three Brooms had an amazing breakfast buffet and bottomless mimosas that ran later than any place in town. It was almost always busy but it was Alice’s dad that owned the place so it was always easy for them to get sat right away. “I hope so. If it goes terribly I’m going to put all of the blame on you for encouraging this in the first place.” Remus teased as they walked through the parking lot. 

Spotting their friends sitting on the patio with a few tables pushed together they let themselves onto the patio through the little gate and said their hellos. They made their way around the table saying their hellos and passing out hugs to their mostly hungover friends. Remus paused before hugging Benjy, Sirius’s words echoing in the back of his head. Dorcas and Marlene were sitting together next to an empty chair, Remus plopped down into it wishing he’d remembered his sunglasses. “Morning Marls, Dorcas. How’d the rest of the night go?”

Dorcas launched into an animated retelling of Fabian and Gideon forgetting which girl was theirs and both of them getting slapped by the end of the night. Alice and Frank sat on the other side of him talking to Lily about wedding details, the two were getting married in the spring. Fabian and Gideon were resolutely quiet on the other end of the table nursing their mimosas slowly. Remus smiled to himself, he loved these people more than he’d like to admit. It was good to be out with them again, one big happy family sharing their hangovers together. Remus felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

__ Sirius SEX GOD  
I tried not to text you too early incase you’re a light sleeper but I can’t wait any longer.   
Good morning. :)

Remus smiled at the stupid message from Sirius, maybe it wouldn’t hurt him to try and be with someone again.

_ Me  
_ Good morning.

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ How are you feeling after last night?

__ Me  
I’m doing alright, Lily got me coffee and aspirin  
You? 

__ Sirius SEX GOD  
Good, good.   
I wasn’t drinking since I was working this deal, but I’m a little tired. 

_ Me  
_ I didn’t realize you were sober.

__ Sirius SEX GOD  
100%  
Any plans for the day?

__ Me  
I’m at brunch right now.  
I have work later, I think Lily wants to work on costumes today. 

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ What are you going as?

_ Me  
_ I’m not sure yet.

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ Me either. 

__ Me  
I’m sure we’ll figure something out.   
What about you? Any plans?

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ Well, I’m at work right now, but nothing after that. 

Remus paused for a moment before responding, steeling himself. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, deciding if it would be worth it to jump off or not. Heart racing with his lip half bit between his teeth he hit send, he chose to jump, and hoped that when he hit the ground it wouldn’t be the end of him.

_ Me  
_ You wanna do something? Movies? Dinner? 

_ Sirius SEX GOD  
_ I would love that. :)

Marlene slapped his arm and pointed at Fabian who looked like he was starting to go a little green. “You’re going to miss Fab throwing up in the bushes if you don’t get off of your phone.” And sure enough, not but a second later, Fabian stood from the table and leaned over the gate to throw up in the bushes. Gideon stood and rubbed his brother’s back. 

“It’s not a good night out till someone is still throwing up in the morning. Isn’t that your saying Fab?” Remus called out finding himself on the receiving end of Fab flipping him off. Remus le t out a barking laugh and leaned back in his chair enjoying the sun and the company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am! As always you can find me at discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com if you want to chat.


	5. Stumbling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so grateful for all of the comments and kudos! Thank you so much!
> 
> Find me at discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com

Lily had dressed him, and honestly he was eternally grateful. The nice slim dark jeans hugged his legs in a way that was both comfortable and flattering at the same time. She had paired them with one of his nicer jumpers, it was cable knit and almost the same shade as his eyes. There was something comforting about still being in a jumper, Lily had assured him that it would help him feel confident and not too put out his element. The girl was a saint as far as Remus was concerned, he’d been far too nervous to dress and ready himself on his own. 

Standing in front of the local movie theater with his hands in his pockets to hide their shaking Remus waited for Sirius. They had agreed to see some cheesy horror flick, in the spirit of the season as Sirius had put it. Remus had grabbed tickets for them and now all that's left to do was wait for him to show up. If he showed up at all. There was still doubt buried deep in his chest, echoes of screams saying no one else would ever want him. Those memories filled his head, feeling like he was standing in rising water, about to drown when he heard Sirius’s voice cut through the noise in his head. “Sorry about the wait, parking was a bitch.” 

His head snapped up to take in Sirius dressed in plain black jeans, and a plain black tee with the sleeves cuffed, a leather jacket held over his shoulder as he approached. It was a simple outfit but it still brought color to Remus’s cheeks, Sirius was undeniably attractive, the color faded when he realized that he wasn’t the only one ogling his date. “It’s all good, I haven’t been waiting long.” He lied. 

Sirius mirrored his stance, tucking his jacket over his arm and now free hands hands securely placed in his pockets, like he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. “Did you grab tickets?”

“Yeah, we’re all set.” They walk close enough together that you can tell they’re together but they’re both keeping this distance. Nervousness is palpable in the air between them, Remus hands his tickets over at the front of the theater, they’re torn and handed back over. 

“Popcorn?” Siris askes jerking a thumb over towards the concession stand. 

“I’m more of a chocolate guy.” Remus answers with a weak smile.

“We’ll get both then.” He returns the smile and steps into the line with Remus following behind him. Remus can’t figure out what is wrong with them, they’ve never had a problem talking to one another before, this was pathetic. 

The line moves at an excruciatingly slow pace, the high school aged cashier seems overwhelmed by the growing line. “So, how’s life been since I last saw you?” Sirius tries.

Releasing the lip he’s been chewing on for the past few minutes Remus answered him reluctantly, “It’s been like twelve hours Sirius.” Ah, there it was, the light bullying that he was most comfortable with found a familiar home on his tongue with a smirk. 

“I know, how was brunch? Did Benjy moon over you from afar like some Shakespearean character?” Sirius returned the verbal volley with ease. 

Remus gave him a playful shove, “It’s not like that. We just work together. Though he did come up to me to apologize if he was stepping on any toes.”

“And what did you say?” He sounded like he was trying to be nonchalant, but something in his voice faltered.

He gave a noncommittal shrug, “I told him that he wasn’t and you’d forget about it soon enough.” 

Sirius avoided his gaze and stepped up to the counter, finally at the front of the line. “One large popcorn, one large soda, two straws, and whatever he wants.” Remus grabbed a box of candy and set it on the counter. A nice leather wallet was pulled out of his pocket as Sirius paid for the snacks Remus opened his mouth to protest, “You bought the tickets, it’s only fair.” 

They gathered their things and headed towards their auditorium, “How was work?” Remus asked. 

“Work like. There’s nothing interesting to say about it really. I rewrote some contracts with the clients I was out with last night.” 

“What kind of contracts do you write?” 

“General business stuff. Like who gets what percent of the profits, who foots the upfront bill for a product or service, it really is boring as fuck.” 

“Then why do you do it? I know you said it wasn’t something you could easily get out of.” 

“Family business. The only one who got out was my Uncle Alphard, great guy, loved him to bits. Died two years ago, some drunk guy swerved into his lane and the accident killed him. It was such a shame, he was the only part of my family that I like, other than an estranged cousin.” 

“Oh.” Remus was at a loss for words, there was no way that his accident could be connected, but he never looked into what had happened to the other driver. He shook the thought from his head, “That’s really shitty. I got in a bad accident a few years ago, I haven’t driven since.” 

“Were you the one drivnig?” Sirius asked pushing the door open and holding it to let Remus walk through in front of him. 

“No, but I’m still a bit shaken up about the whole thing.” 

“I didn’t realize you didn’t drive.” 

“Most people don’t until they see me take my phone out to call an uber. Lily drives me places a lot, bless her soul.” They found their seats and settled in, it was a newer theater with nice cushioned reclining seats.

“Well if I’m ever not working I can give you a ride anytime.” 

Remus scoffed. “Hah, as if you’d want to go grocery shopping with me.” 

“You don’t know me, maybe I love grocery shopping.” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows in the dim light, Remus laughed, the bubbling feeling light and soft in his chest. He picked up a piece of popcorn and threw it at Sirius playfully. “Don’t start fights you can’t finish Remus.” He responded by throwing two pieces at Remus. 

The lights dimmed and the previews started, their arms brushing against the arm rest that was between them, a spark running through his chest at the contact. Remus settled in, and raised the reclining foot of his seat, crossing his legs neatly at the ankle. He glanced at Sirius, bathed in the soft blue light of the screen, he’d tucked his legs under himself, sitting like a pretzel that Remus didn’t understand. It was hard to pay attention to the cheesy movie when he kept noticing things about Sirius. Like the way his long fingers deftly picked at the popcorn at a rapid pace, or the way that he leaned forward when something exciting was happening, he was almost childlike in his wonder.

After the third jump scare Sirius raised the arm rest between them and set the large, now empty, bowl of popcorn on the floor in favor of snuggling up against Remus. He lifted Remus’s arm and placed it around his shoulders like it was the easiest thing in the world, personal boundaries by damned. Not that he’d ever seemed to care for them in the first place. “You smell nice.” Sirius whispered settling in next to him. 

“Shh.” Remus hissed playfully, trying to focus on the movie instead of the warmth that radiates off of Sirius like they’re standing outside on a summer day, not inside a theater in the middle of fall. But the comment warms him to his core, radiating from his chest.

The rest of the movie is little more than sweet whispers and hushed giggles, Sirius’s hands finding their way over Remus’s thigh, squeezing him tightly when he’s afraid. And Remus loves every second of it, he’s used to being the demure one in a relationship, the one seeking affection, it’s nice to experience the other side of the same coin. Not that this is a relationship, he reminds himself bringing his own mood down around his ears. 

It seems too soon when the credits start rolling but Sirius pulls away and stretches like a lazy house cat, his shirt riding up and exposing his hip bones. Some part of Remus’s subconscious wonders what it would be like to softly bite down on the protruding bone. “So what did you think?” Distracted Remu’s lets the question linger in the air, eyes trained on Sirius’s hips. “Like what you see?” Sirius smirked. 

Snapping back to reality Remus smiles up at him, “The movie was good. A little cheesy but that’s to be expected with newer horror movies. There are only so many times that a trope can be repeated.” He answered, ignoring the second question. 

Most of the people in the theater had filed out by now, leaving just the two of them and an elderly couple who were slowly making their descent down the stairs. In a matter of seconds Sirius invaded Remus’s personal space, noses less than an inch apart, hands on the armrests of his seat. Remus’s heart rate picked up, loud in his ears, “And my second question?”

Remus turned his face away, not able to stand the scrutiny of grey eyes back lit by the silver screen. “You know the answer to that.” 

“I have an idea, but I’m not a mind reader. Sometimes you have to say things out loud.” 

The weird tension between them is back, Remus can’t tell if he likes it or hates it. It’s the feeling of stillness right before a storm, the silence before a crack of thunder, it’s electric and sickening, it makes his stomach do backflips. Sirius isn’t backing away, he’s waiting for an answer, one that Remus knows he knows, so he can’t fathom why he’s bothering so much. But there is something about it that feels a bit like admitting defeat, like telling a snake that it bit you when you both already know that’s the case. Green eyes connect with grey, “Move along pretty boy, they need to clean the theater.” 

He stays there for another beat of time, silence passing between them, he’s looking for something in Remus’s face, eyes scanning every inch. Sirius opens his mouth to say something but a loud cough from a movie theater employee catches him off guard. “Sorry, just a really heated discussion about film needed to happen right this second. Can you believe that this guy has never seen Fight Club?” The theater attendant laughs as the lie slides easily off his tongue. 

Remus gathers their trash and stands following Sirius out into the bright lights of the hallway. “So you think I’m pretty.” He teased. 

“Only you would get that out of that situation.” Remus rolled his eyes catching up to walk steadily beside Sirius. 

“I just needed confirmation.” Their hands brushed together a few times before Sirius took the initiative and threaded his fingers through Remus’s. He felt the school girl blush before it could be seen, he’d known it was coming from the moment Sirius had gotten so close to his face. “Are you hungry?”

He shook his head, “No, between all of the junk food I’m not sure if I could eat again even if I wanted too.”

“But junk food is the best part of going to the movies. I didn’t get to go as a kid that often so I get really excited about it now.” They walked slowly out of the theater, Remus was trying to keep their hands together for as long as he could, but it had gotten cold outside and Sirius let go to slip into his leather jacket.

“It was cute to see someone get so excited about going to the movies.” Remus smiled. He really was enjoying this, it was a different side of Sirius, this version of him that offered bits and pieces of his life so easily.

Standing outside of the theater Sirius turned to face Remus, taking both of his hands in his, “Can I give you a ride home?” 

“Depends, do you drive like a maniac?” 

“I might have a bit of a reputation. But I promise to drive safely with you in the car. Scouts honor.” He held up three fingers like a swear. 

“Somehow I doubt you were ever a scout. But I accept this ride begrudgingly.” They walked through the parking lot hand in hand, the cool air making Remus’s cheeks tingle. It was a bit of a walk as Sirius explained that he couldn’t find parking when he arrived. But eventually they found their way to what was the most expensive looking car Remus had ever seen in person. All glossy black and sleek angles, “This is yours?”

“Yep. I call her Baby and you are required to be nice to her.” Sirius ran a loving hand over the roof of the car as he unlocked the doors. Remus walked around to the passengers side and let himself in. Sinking into the plush leather seats he was shocked at how low to the ground the seats felt. 

“I’m ignoring the fact that you’re one of those guys who refers to his car as a woman.” Remus buckled his seatbelt as the engine turned over, a loud roar of machinery greeted his ears making him jump a little. The dash lit up, the interior trim lighting up with it, and they are suddenly bathed in a red glow. The music kicks on a second after the lights and AC/DC blares out of the speakers, Sirius cranks the volume down significantly. Remus raises an eyebrow at him.

“Loud music, fast car, yes, I am an american heart throb.” Sirius responded before backing out of the parking spot. 

“Could you put your seatbelt on?” Remus whispers eyeing Sirius’s chest. 

“My bad.” He pulls the woven polyester strap across his body without a second thought. “Wow, okay, so you’re like really not okay in a car.” 

“Sorry.” He says his voice smaller than the time before. 

Sirius sets a hand on his knee and gives it a little squeeze. “Don’t worry about it. Put your address in the GPS for me?” Happy to have a momentary distraction Remus plugs the address in for him, the chipper british lady administers directions. The ride becomes less stressful as Sirius fills the silence with idle chatter, and lets Remus squeeze his hand the whole way. It’s a short drive to his apartment building and he lets out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding when the engine shuts off. 

“Let me walk you to the door?” Sirius offers with a gentle smile, it’s the most sincere thing that Remus has ever seen grace those features. Remus nods unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping onto weak legs, Sirius meets him on his side of the car offering his hand. 

Remus steadies himself with it, “Sorry, I haven’t driven with anyone new in a while. I forgot how bad it gets.” His eyes are fixed on the asphalt of the parking lot, he can’t bring himself to look up at Sirius. Those knowing grey eyes would eat him alive, tear him apart, flay him, exposed in a way he wasn’t ready for yet. 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for Remus. Everyone has their traumas.” They walk up the stairs to his third floor apartment. 

“This is me.” Remus says pointing at the copy and pasted door that matched every other one on the floor, the only difference being the number on the door. 

“I don’t suppose you’d invite me in?” Sirius smirks, something mischievous in those grey eyes. 

“I thought you said you liked the chase.” He countered leaning his back against his door and facing Sirius. That tension is rising between them again, it makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. 

Sirius’s hand is on his hip, he’s invading his personal space again, and Remus is starting to get used to it. “But I feel like I’ve been running forever. Even marathon runners get a cup of water every once in a while.” 

“Are you calling me a tall drink of water Sirius?” Remus teased as he watched him leaning closer and closer into his space. 

“I’ll call you whatever you want.” There’s breath on his lips again, the tension feels like a bubble about to burst, it’s thick in the air and only getting thicker. For the briefest of moments he considers turning away, running into his apartment to hole up like he has been for the past two years. But there a magnetism between them that he can’t deny, it pulls him forward, leaning in to meet Sirius’s lips with his own. It had been so long since his last kiss Remus wondered for a moment if he’d forgotten how to kiss. But Sirius took the initiative and pressed up into him.

Remus would never admit it in a million years but he finally understands the expression of fireworks when kissing someone for the first time. Sirius’s lips are hot against his, his thumb rubbing circles into Remus’s hip. His heart has taken up residence in his stomach, slipping ever south, and a small noise from the back of Sirius’s throat pushes it down to his crotch. As much as he wants to stand in his doorway kissing the life out of him, he knows that he has to open the bar in the morning and that some of his neighbors are far too nosy for their own good. 

Breaking the kiss he leans his head forward, forehead resting against Sirius’s. Their panting breath mixing in the space between them, “Fuck.” 

“Good fuck or bad fuck?” Sirius asks, smirk bleeding into his tone. 

“Good. Very good.” Remus runs a hand through Sirius’s hair, something he’d been desperate to do since he first saw him. “But I have to open in the morning. And Mr. Filch at the end of the hall has a tendency to come out at the worst times.” Too many emotional ups and downs finally catching up to him, he felt exhausted, put through the ringer and he needed to be alone to process. 

“I have an early meeting, so I should go.” He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Remus’s again, “But this is just so nice.” Sirius kissed him greedily again. 

Remus smiled into the kiss, “Good night Sirius. Text me when you make it home.” He pulled his keys off of his belt loop and shook them at Sirius. “Go on.” 

Finally letting go of Remus and taking a step back, “Fine, fine. But don’t expect this to be the last of this.” 

“I can’t make it too easy for you.” Remus winked and turned to unlock his door. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Sirius’s voice lingered in the hall as he shut the door behind him. It takes Remus forever to stop feeling like he licked a battery, the charge running through him on an all time high. His phone vibrates a few minutes after Sirius leaves, he looks down at it with the biggest smile. 

__ Sirius SEX GOD  
I’m using speech to text, so don’t get upset  
I just couldn’t wait  
I know it’s clingy as shit, but when can I see you next?

And suddenly he’s filled with too much energy, bursting at the seams, he knows he’s not going to end up falling asleep till much later than he should. Another vibration pulses through his hand. 

_ Lily Love <3  
_ TELL ME ALL OF THE THINGS RIGHT NOW REMUS LUPIN

_ Me  
_ How did you even know I was home?

__ Lily Love <3  
You have your location turned on for your snapchat  
Don’t think you can distract me  
I want all of the details  
Call me  
Right now

So he does, full of energy and the excitement of something new after so long. They talk late into the night despite knowing that they both open in the morning, it reminds him of when they were in high school and would talk till their parents made them go to bed. Lily squeals when he tells her about the kiss, and the hand holding and the light headed feeling he gets around Sirius. 

The next few days find Remus texting like a mad man at any chance he gets desperately trying to set up another meeting with Sirius. They're equally excited as they struggle to make their schedules line up, and finally they get it right and it sticks. Sirius picks him up from work and they drive home together, fear dissipating each time they get in the car together. There are nights of take away and Netflix and then there are nights where Sirius wine and dines him like he's a client. Any hesitation Remus has is quickly dispelled by the touch of a hand or a knowing smile from Sirius. 

At some point over the next few days an invitation arrives from James Potter, Lily’s seemingly elusive date, he's under explicit instructions not to tell Sirius about it under any circumstances. The all black invitation shows up at his apartment, by courrier of all things, it's heavy in his hands as he turns it over and over. It seems like there's nothing printed on it, until later that night when he notices something glowing on his kitchen counter. The ink was glow in the dark, he smirked at the extravagance of it all. But Lily had told him that James came from money, so he wasn’t shocked about it. The invitation just held a time and a place, no other details were given. Lily had been the one to tell him that it was a nice event and he should dress as such but he was given no more details for fear of slipping it to Sirius. 

The task of getting Sirius there had been appointed to Remus, the two were supposed to go to dinner and then meet everyone else at the venue instead. And it was his job to convince Sirius that dinner was all they were doing for the night. It was a week before his birthday when Remus proposed they go to dinner at Sirius’s favorite restaurant for his birthday. 

“I’ll take you out for once, it’ll be nice. Come on.” They were on Remus’s couch, Sirius rewriting a contract on his laptop while Remus leaned against him reading a book. 

Sirius kissed his cheek, and leaned back to wrap an around Remus’s shoulders, “I appreciate the thought but I’m an expensive date. And James usually throws a big party.” 

“Lily said that James wasn’t doing anything for you this year. The two of them are going away that weekend.” Sirius stilled next to him, it was something that was becoming familiar to Remus, the way that he would almost cease to exist for a moment. Remus was worried he’d laid it on too thick for a moment, and then the breath came back into Sirius and he knew it would be okay, he’d forgive him later.

“That sounds fake. That boy is my brother, he hasn’t missed my birthday since we’ve known one another.” 

Remus shrugged, “I think it’s Lily’s doing, she wanted to take him up to see her parents before Thanksgiving, as a test run. Her father is very hard on the men she dates. And her sister is the worst.” He frowned at memories of Petunia coming back to haunt him from when they were kids.

“I knew that girl was going to be a problem.” Sirius paused dramatically, “We must get rid of her. She’s cutting into my James time. It cannot be tolerated.” 

Remus laughed and shook his head, “We are not getting rid of Lily, she’s my only friend.” 

“Oh, tell me how you really feel then Rem. Is it true? Am I just another lay to you?’

“You’re dramatic is what you are.” He rolled his eyes and went to get up, but Sirius grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back down on the couch. 

“Why must you wound me so?”

“Someone has to keep that ego in check." Suddenly a thought occurred to him, “What about your actual family? Are they doing anything for your birthday?” Remus knew it was an underhanded play to ask about Sirius’s family but he hoped it was enough to distract him for the idea of James abandoning him on his birthday. 

Sirius frowned, Remus could see it just out of the corner of his eye, “They’re not doing anything, they never do.” Guilt wormed its way into Remus’s chest, heavy and filled with disgust at himself. 

“That’s alright, it’ll just be us then.” Remus sat up, swinging a leg over Sirius’ lap, so that he could occupy his field of vision. His hands cradled Sirius’s cheeks, rubbing his thumbs along Sirius’s cheek bones, he watched the hatred ebb off of him like waves. “I don’t care how expensive you are, you’re worth it.” 

Sirius pulled a face and pretended to be affronted by the overly sweet sentiment, “Ew.” 

“Shut up, you love it.” Remus playfully smacked his chest before planting a deep kiss on his lips. 

Sirius grips his thighs tightly and all the talk of his birthday is forgotten in an afternoon of fooling around on Remus’s lumpy couch. Eventually he notices the time and remembers that he has to work later. They part and Sirius allows him to get ready, "You're still coming to the Halloween party tomorrow, yeah?" 

“Yeah, I got the night off for it.” They move around each other collecting their things, there’s something incredibly domestic about it. 

“Good. I’ll meet you there then. Lily needs me to help her hang up all of the tall decorations, so we’re going to head over there tonight after work.” 

Sirius pouted for half a second as the filed out of Remus’s small apartment, “Fine. I’ll miss you though.” 

“It will be less than 24 hours, are you always this clingy?” He teased locking up the door behind them. 

“Are you always this heartless?” 

“Only with you.” Remus smirked kissing his cheek.


	6. The Annual Evans-Lupin Halloween Extravaganza

Remus stood in Lily’s parents bathroom, the redhead flitting around picking up various brushes and sprays that Remus barely understood. “I don’t know about this Lils.” He pushed the Ray Ban sunglasses on top of his head and leveled her with a meaningful look. She had decided on her Halloween costume far in advance so that they were able to lend their skills to planning the best party they could, but Remus had been really indecisive this year and ended up with a last minute costume.

She looked at him in the mirror, “This is going to be great,” Of course, she would say that, she was dressed in the classic Ginger Spice Union Jack dress, her hair perfectly messy. The whole look suited her too well, and when the rest of the girls from the restaurant showed up as the rest of them, he knew that they would be a hit. On the other hand, Remus was dressed in a white button up and the smallest white boxer briefs he could get away with. “And, he’s going to love it.” 

He could feel his cheeks heat up, “I’m going to get some liquid courage from downstairs, do you want anything?” She shook her head dismissing him from the bathroom, she seemed to have more work to do though he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Walking through her childhood home always made Remus feel at home, they’d spent so much time together in these walls. He could still spot the stain on the carpet from the first time they had drunk way too much. The scuff on the baseboards from when they tried to learn to skateboard in the house was still there. Maybe if he could distract himself with childhood memories he would be okay with how exposed he was. Well, that and the gin didn’t hurt. 

The two of them got ready together every year before the party kicked off, they planned the whole month before and decorated together. Lily’s parents always took a holiday out of town around this time of year and were more than happy to lend them the place. The sound of Lily connecting her phone to the sound system pinged, Old Time Rock and Roll started playing and Remus laughed downstairs by himself before sliding across the hardwood. 

It didn’t take long for him to relax once people started showing up. The music was loud, the lights were low, and it was more than enough for them to have a great time. Somewhere between his fourth beer and his third shot he was forced to answer the door. Lily and the girls were having their pictures taken as the full Spice Girls group, before anyone got too drunk to remember to get a picture. “Remus, the door!” She shouted over the roar of people talking. 

Waving a hand at her he walked over and opened the front door, he’s not sure how she had even heard someone knocking. Throwing the door open Remus stopped in his tracks, Sirius stood on the other side smirking. At least, Remus was pretty sure it was a smirk, it was hard to tell under the bushy fake mustache. The tight white tank top showed his arms, the entirety of his half sleeve finally exposed, it all looked like various wolf imagery. The other arm had a studded leather band around the bicep. Sirius made to run a hand through his hair, but it was slicked back into a tight low bun, so that it looked short, his hand faltered when he remembered.

“I didn’t realize pants were optional.” Remus’ cheeks burned when he remembered what he was wearing. Despite the amount of time they had spent together over the past few weeks Remus had never been so exposed around him.

“Risky business.” Was all he could manage as he looked down to where the tightest pair of light denim jeans he’d ever seen were firmly plastered on Sirius. 

“It only counts if you’re going to do the dance.” 

“I did it earlier, but you missed it.” Someone brushed passed the two of them, wild dark hair and a soccer uniform on, Remus couldn’t be bothered to think about anything else. “Does that mean you’re going to sing for us then, eh Freddie?” 

Sirius shrugged and leaned against the door frame, “I mean, I could, if that’s what you wanted.” A toothy grin appeared under the ridiculous mustache, “I’m just glad you got it, I was worried.” 

A sharp barking laugh came from Remus, “As if I wouldn’t recognize Freddie Mercury walking into this house.” 

“I didn’t know you were such a Queen fan, Remus.” There was some sort of challenge in his voice, and he was considering if he wanted to take the bait or not. A moment passed, “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

“It’s not my house.” Remus shrugged and stepped aside to let Sirius into the house. Suddenly hyper aware of the photos of him on the mantel with Lily, and every embarrassing thing he’d ever done in this house he headed towards the kitchen. 

He was happy to find Sirius had followed him, “Whos house is it then?” 

“Lily’s parents.” Remus pointed to the living room where the Spice Girls were singing at the top of their lungs.

Sirius laughed and grabbed a red plastic cup off the counter, Remus grabbed a bottle of scotch from where Lily and he had hid the good liquor. He poured it into Sirius’ cup before tossing a few ice cubes in for good measure. “And they’re alright with all of this?” He gestured with the cup. 

Remus laughed, “We’ve done far worse in this house, the Evans don’t mind. Long as we clean up in the morning.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “I would love to hear stories of what you got up to that’s worse than contributing to everyone’s alcohol problems.” 

He shook his head and filled up his own cup, “I would have to be significantly drunker to tell you any of those things.”

“We can work on that.” The wolfish grin that took over his features made Remus' stomach flip. 

The Spice Girls stumbled into the kitchen, “Freddie!” All blonde hair and long limbs, Emmeline Vance, dressed as Baby Spice, squealed and wrapped an arm around him. Lily’s green eyes met Remus’, mischief brewing behind those irises. “Please tell me you’ll sing for us tonight Mr. Mercury.” She cooed at him. 

Sirius took it in stride, the girl was clearly drunk, “Of course I will, my dear Baby Spice. But only if I get to hear you lovely ladies belt it out for us too. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.” Somewhere deep inside his chest, something hot spiked, jealously. Remus knew it was unwarranted, but he couldn’t help the feeling.

“Aww, but you just missed it.” Lily said wrapping her arms around Emmeline’s middle and pulling her off of him. “But the karaoke machine is all set up in the living room.” 

“And I know for a fact that there are Queen songs on those old CDs.” Remus piped up from where he’d been leaning against the kitchen counter watching the scene unfold steadily sipping on whatever clear liquor he could find. 

“You would know, you old queen.” Lily laughed and reached her free hand out to pull Remus into the living room. Marlene, dressed as Posh Spice, dark wig included, wrapped her hand around Sirius’ wrist and pulled him along with the lot of them. They pressed through the crowd of their friends, eventually making it to where Lily had set up the karaoke machine. Someone handed Sirius the microphone and his whole demeanor changed. 

“Who is ready for a,” And he turned away dramatically, back to the crowd, looking back over his shoulder he winked, “Show to end all shows.” Lily changed over the CD and found the right track, the opening piano progression of Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now started playing.

“ __ Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time  
_ I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah  
_ __ And floating around in ecstasy ” 

Remus couldn’t believe the silky sound of Sirius’ voice, somehow managing to hit all of the right notes.  Sirius slipped into that Freddie Mercury persona like it was tailored to fit him personally and no one else. It didn’t sound like some kid singing in his bedroom, a sound Remus was all too familiar with, this sounded like someone who had been doing this for longer than anyone could imagine. His mannerisms matched his costume more than Remus would have liked to admit. 

By the time the first pre chorus hit Sirius was pulling Remus to his feet. Joining him in the half circle that had hollowed out room for this performance, Remus was at a loss of what to do. Sirius took the lead and slid his hand over Remus’ back pulling him against him, the microphone the only thing separating them. Those grey eyes sparkled at him, he felt hotter than he’d ever felt in his life, Sirius touch burning into his back, his hips, his whole being. Sirius slid his leg in between Remus’ and grinded into him.

“ __ I'm burnin' through the sky, yeah  
__ Two hundred degrees  
__ That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit  
_ I'm traveling at the speed of light  
_ __ I wanna make a supersonic man out of you ”

Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on his lips as he sung out the song like his life depended on it. They went on like that for the rest of the song, wrapped around one another, impossibly close in front of everyone that Remus knew. Sirius’ presence took all of Remus’ focus, hot and confident, demanding that Remus look at him, unavoidable, though a small part of his brain asked why he would even want to try. 

“ __ I am a sex machine, ready to reload  
_ Like an atom bomb about to  
_ __ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh explode”

The roll of hips punctuating specific lyrics was maddening and Remus knew he should pull away. He shouldn’t be up here grinding in front of all of these people he had to see at work in the next few days. But he couldn’t help himself, Sirius was intoxicating. In a breath Sirius leaned in and whispered, “Sing with me you idiot.” Hot breath down his neck making Remus shiver in his arms. Remus caught a glance of Lily’s smirking face in the crowd, like she’d planned this whole thing, and Remus wasn’t sure if he’d believe that she didn’t. Remus turned his face towards Sirius and sung out the rest of the song.

“ __ Don't stop me, don't stop me  
__ Don't stop me, hey, hey, hey  
__ Don't stop me, don't stop me  
__ Ooh ooh ooh, I like it  
__ Don't stop me, don't stop me  
__ Have a good time, good time  
__ Don't stop me, don't stop me, ah  
_ Oh yeah  
_ __ Alright ”

There was so much hip shaking and shimming, in that moment, in Lily’s parents living room, surrounded by people and that was when Remus decided he was truly screwed. Against his better judgement he knew he liked this boy more than he’d let himself like anyone in such a long time. And that in itself could be dangerous.

Sirius only peeled away from him once the song was over to take a bow. “Now that is a show, ladies.” He laughed handing the microphone off to Dorcas, who was dressed as Sporty Spice. His fingers threaded through Remus’ as the two of them collapsed on to the nearest couch. The plush seat rescuing Remus from standing on legs that felt like jelly under his weight. There were lots of congratulations on a good performance, which Sirius accepted on their behalf. 

Caradoc Dearborn, one of the cooks, came up to them, Benjy in tow behind him, “Damn, Rem, I had no idea you had that in you.” Remus shook his extended hand and laughed. 

“Blame it on the liquor.” He smirked, raising his glass, which Lily had handed back to him a few minutes ago, refilled with something pink and sweet. 

“No wonder Fab and Gid never miss these parties.” Caradoc shook his head and melted back into the ever growing crowd. Benjy gave them a thumbs up before following Caradoc into the crowd.

Sirius leaned in to talk into Remus' ear, trying his best to speak over the loud music. "So, did I live up to your Freddie Mercury dreams?" Remus laughed, trying to ignore the heaviness of his breath on his ear and the goosebumps it was raising under the white button down. 

Remus’ cheeks hurt from smiling, his breath felt shallow and his heart beat rapidly in his chest. “I’m shocked by how good of a Freddie Mercury you make.” Sirius gave a mock bow from his seated position on the couch, it looked ridiculous, Remus adored it. 

“Would you be more or less impressed if I told you I had practiced a lot for that?”

“God, I knew Lily set that up, she had that shit eating grin on her face the whole time.” 

“Aww, don’t be mad.” Sirius set his cup on the floor and slid a now free hand up Remus’ bare thigh, "She told me it was a toss up between Freddie and Bowie for your sexual awakening. And I would make a shit Bowie, if we're being honest." 

Remus blushed hard, he could feel the pink tinge creep up his neck to his cheeks to his ears. Wiping his head around he scanned the crowd for that backstabbing redhead but couldn't find her anywhere. "I'm going to kill her." Remus mumbled into his cup. A soft thumb rubbed against his thigh, he shut his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch. “I could never be mad while you’re doing that.” 

“Doing this?” Sirius dragged his nails lightly along his thigh. 

Something between a growl and a moan came from the back of Remus’ throat. It had been so long since he’d allowed someone to touch him like that. But between the mix of liquors and the dim lighting it felt okay to do so. 

The sound of shattering glass cut through their moment, Remus' eyes snapped open looking towards where the sound had come from. A pair of ginger twins stood in the kitchen looking down at a broken bottle on the floor between them. Remus turned towards Sirius and groaned, "I have to take care of that, I don't know where Lily is."

Sirius nodded and took his hand off of Remus' thigh, the room felt cold now. "You fucks work in a bar, what's wrong with you?" Remus shouted walking into the kitchen, no venom in his voice. 

The twins looked beyond wasted, Fabian, dressed as Tweedle Dee from Alice in Wonderland, just pointed at Gideon, who was dressed as Tweedle Dumb. Gideon seemed a little more sober, "Don't yell at us Rem. We didn't mean it,” he threw a heavy arm around Remus' shoulder and pulled him close. 

Fabian laughed, "Yeah, we didn't mean it." He hugged him from the other side, squished between the twins Remus just sighed, they were always like this. Fabian ruffled his hair and Gideon pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek. 

Dislodging himself from between them and waving them away Remus just smiled, "Don't touch the glass, and get out of the way." Grabbing the broom from the cupboard he set to sweeping up the broken glass. The twins wandered into the living room, yelling their hellos. 

An incredibly disheveled Lily came around the corner, "Ah, Rem," She tugged her dress down a little lower and grabbed the dust pan. "Sorry love." 

"I see you were having fun," Remus smirked sweeping up the last of the glass. "Which reminds me, fuck you Lily Evans." 

Mock offense crossed her face, "Is this about Freddie?" 

"You know it is. How dare you expose me like that?" 

She laughed, it was such an easy sound, "He needed help with a costume." 

"How did you two even end up talking?" 

“Turns out that James and him are roommates. That was kind of crazy. We were watching a movie like a week ago and there he was, walking around like he owned the place." 

"Okay, but when do I get to meet this guy?" 

She shrugged, "He works tomorrow morning, so he headed out already." 

"That's not like you Lily, to keep something from me. Is it going okay?" The two had fallen into easy conversation, leaning against the kitchen counter and trying to keep Fab and Gid from coming back for more booze. 

"It's better than okay. I just don't know if I'm ready to introduce him to people. Our friends are wild," She gestured around at all of the costumes people in various stages of drunkenness. "And my parents can be crazy judgmental, God knows Petunia had to get it from somewhere." 

"I mean, he left early enough to be spared most of the bad shit. But, you know that we’re not going to do anything to him. As long as he makes you happy Lils, then it's all good." 

She looped her arm through his and leaned against his shoulder. "You know when you said you had to clean up, I figured you'd eventually come back." Sirius’s voice sounded rough, like he'd just been smoking. "Never thought I'd find you snuggling up our savior Lily Evans." 

He leaned against the fridge looking as natural as if he belonged here. Pieces of his hair had started to come loose from where they were previously gelled back. "Well, I do owe her for setting up some marvelous entertainment for the night." Remus let his eyes sweep slowly over the man in front of him.

"There's far too much sexual tension happening here, so I'm just going to see myself out." Lily teased before leaving the kitchen. 

Sirius closed the space between them now that Lily had left, pressing against Remus. Their hips slotting against one another like they were made to fit together. "I mean, she's not wrong, is she?" There was something soft in his voice, something he'd not heard out loud before, insecurity. Remus closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the proximity. He pressed impossibly closer to him, one hand trailing up Remus’s side before reaching the side of his neck, “Look at me.” He breathed. 

Remus opened his eyes to find Sirius inches away from him. The warm hand on his neck was burning into him, but it was those eyes that really got him. Sirius’ pupils were huge, blown wide with lust or the low lighting Remus couldn’t tell. The light layer of sweat that clung to his collar bones drew Remus' eyes lower, he wanted to kiss him, hard, and desperate. The music pounded through the speaker system through the house, the sounds of people having various conversations around them didn’t seem to matter. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours, that they sat and stared at one another, breath mixing, unable to look away. 

Pushing Sirius away was one of the hardest choices he had to make, but he wasn’t about to ravish him in this kitchen, at least not with everyone else around. He grabbed Sirius hand and pulled him out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards the guest room. The faces of people he knew flashed by, blurring together in an unimportant smear. Seeing the door getting close set his chest a flame, surely Sirius could feel his heart pounding. It was the room where Remus stayed every weekend when he was a kid, practically a second home. Turning the familiar knob he walked into the unchanged space, not bothering to flip the lights on. Remus toed the door shut and then pressed Sirius into the door with his hips. “I’m going to kiss you now.” 

“Yeah, I got that.” Sirius laughed, Remus leaned down pressing his lips to the shorter man’s, lips parting, tongue searching. The other man’s hands grasped at the collar of his button down, pulling Remus's chest against his. 

They kissed like the world would end if they couldn't, it was all teeth and tongues. And Remus moaned when Sirius bit down on his neck, sucking a bruise into the soft skin. "Fuck," He swore. "Oh God, Sirius," Remus's hands found their way into his hair, throwing the hair tie into the floor as he pulled it all loose. 

Sirius didn't seem to mind, he smirked into the kiss as he pressed against Remus. His body ran warm and Remus was never more grateful for it, his fingers trailing down Sirius chest, desperately trying to untuck that stupidly tight tank top from his equally tight pants. "Shit," Sirius swore undoing his belt and pulling his shirt free. Remus’s hands were on him in an instant, finally being able to explore the hard lines of his body. 

Part of him wished he'd turned the lights on to be able to see that half sleeve more clearly. But he knew that if he could see Sirius, so disheveled that he'd lose it right then and there. There were hot open mouthed kisses on his neck, breath hitting his ear, he shivered and snapped his hips forward instinctually. Sirius moaned against his throat, his fingers slipping under the collar of Remus's shirt and pulling him closer. 

His fingers brushed dangerously close to the deep gnarled scars that ran across his chest. In a quick motion he grabbed Sirius's arms and pinned them above his head. A dangerous sounding growl came from him, like he wasn't used to not being in control. Remus smirked and ground his hips against him again, his thigh slipping between Sirius's legs. 

Sirius rutted against him desperately, Remus leaned down and bit into Sirius's neck. Tongue and teeth and lips occupying the space till Sirius couldn't take it any longer pulled his arms out of Remus's grasp. He grabbed Remus's hips and pushed him away, just an inch or two, "If you don't stop, I'm going to need new jeans." His voice was deep and horse in the dark room, sounding thoroughly wrecked. 

Remus bent his head lower to whisper into Sirius's ear, "At least you're wearing jeans." He punctuated the sentence with a slow grind of his hips, positive Sirius could feel how hard he was through the boxer briefs. 

A growl came from somewhere deep in Sirius's chest, "Remus, fuck…" He pushed Remus enough to back him up against the bed in the room. With a final sharp push Sirius knocked Remus down onto the bed. He fell back, propped up on his elbows, the soft light from the street light outside illuminating Sirius. His hair was wild now that it was loose, soft waves cascading down to his shoulders. His lips were kiss swollen, but the most arousing part was the way he looked at Remus. Pinned under that gaze, he couldn't move, afraid to shatter this delicate moment by doing or saying the wrong thing. 

Sirius slowly put on leg on the other side of his, jeans brushing against bare thigh. The heat rolled off of Sirius in waves, his hands found their way to Remus's shoulders, tense under his shirt. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting his other leg found its way to the bed and he sat himself firmly in Remus's lap. Remus could see the sweat clinging to the other man in the dim light, sticking to the high points of his collar bone, the blooming purple mark on his neck barely visible. 

With a sharp push Remus was laid flat and Sirius was on him in an instant. His hands were everywhere, touching, grabbing, dragging his nails through Remus's hair. And then he was pawing at his dick, hard under the thin fabric, Remus groaned, biting down hard on his lip. The strokes were slow and steady, enough to build up pressure but also still feel like a tease. "You're fucking beautiful like this." Sirius whispered against his neck, placing slow deliberate kisses down towards his collar bone. 

"Sirius," Remus warned grabbing his wrist. Suddenly without the use of his hand he just smirked in response and thrusted down against him. Remus bit his lip to try and keep from moaning too loudly, but it did little to stifle the noise. He wondered if Sirius could feel the muscles in his legs start to quiver as the other man writhed on top of him, Remus desperately wished he could see Sirius better, to watch the way his eyes looked, to see the lust course through him. But more than that he wanted to watch him cum. 

"I-I'm gonna," There was a sharp snap of hips and a shudder, Sirius collapsing on top of him weakly grinding down to ride out the orgasm. And Remus was right behind him, hands gripped impossibly tight on Sirius hips, a few desperate thrusts and he was there. "Holy shit." Sirius mumbled, pressing a soft kiss against Remus's sweaty temple. 

The party raged on on the other side of the door, but it was calm with just the two of them, breath mixing in the dark. “Move over and I'll grab rag to clean up with." Remus whispered, not wanting to break the delicate mood between them. Reluctantly Sirius slipped out of Remus's lap and laid out on the bed. Remus rolled over reaching into the nightstand and hoping that this room had really remained untouched. Sure enough, there was a clean rag in the bottom of the drawer. 

Sirius sat up just long enough to clean up, pants still undone when he flopped back down. "Is it cool if I crash here? I'm not sure if I should drive home."

"Yeah, I can go crash in Lily's room." Remus stood to leave and Sirius grabbed his wrist. 

"Don't be stupid Remus. We just got off together, I'm not going to make you sleep somewhere else." He pulled Remus down onto the familiar bed, and pulled the blankets over them. “I want you here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween y'all!!!
> 
> I'm at discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com for all of your wolfstar needs. Aka I just posted a sick playlist.


	7. A Black Bacchanal

There are three days between Halloween and Sirius’s birthday, and they are three of the most heavenly days that Remus has ever had. Aside from the couple of work shifts that he has, Sirius and him spend every second they can together. They ride out their collective hangover at Lily’s parents place, Remus sharing with him the meanings and stories behind terribly old photos he’d forgotten they had up. Sirius texts him incessantly through his shifts, Fabian and Gideon teasing him relentlessly about it. And he spends his nights with Sirius curled up in his bed, watching TV, ordering delivery, talking, and above all else kissing the life out of him.

It’s blissful, and the closest he’s felt to true happiness in too long. There had been too many long nights on his own wondering if he would be affected for the rest of his life because of poor choices he’d made when he’d been too young to be making those choices in the first place. But all of that went out the window with the introduction of Sirius. The boy was like liquid sunshine shot up Remus’s veins and he couldn’t get enough, he felt like an addict. The obvious walled off parts of one another were easily sidestepped as they continued to explore each other. Sirius didn’t ask about the scars, and Remus didn’t pry about the late night phone calls and family emergencies. The honeymoon phase, as some would call it, was blissfully ignorant of each others flaws, instead it was filled with laughs and afternoons in the sun.

A few days later finds the two of them with reservations at Riddle’s downtown, the upscale restaurant is known for it’s dark and sleek atmosphere. Sirius and him agree to uber there together, he’s playing on his phone the whole time, not paying any attention to the streets rushing by on the other side of the heavily tinted windows. 

Remus smacks his leg, Sirius was dressed in his nicest pair of black jeans, a blazer haphazardly thrown over an old iron maiden t shirt, “We’re here.” 

Sirius’s head snaps up and glances out the window, “This isn’t Riddle’s.” 

“I know.” Remus is already out the door before Sirius can object too much. With the door propped open he reaches in for Sirius, “Come on now, we’ll be late.” A warm hand connected with his and Sirius stepped out of the car with a wolfish grin that lit up his whole face. 

“I knew James was up to something. That fucker.” 

Remus hip checked him, “Act surprised at least, James will blame me if it’s not a big to do.” They pushed open the double doors of Sirius’s favorite bar, arms around each other, wrapped up together in a way neither of them had been used to in many years. The wall of sound that hit Remus’s ears was outrageous, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen so many people crammed into such a small space. 

“SURPRISE!!!!!” Lily and a curly haired man, presumably James, were at the front of the group, a drink in each hand, one for each of them and one for Sirius and Remus respectively. Sirius put on a big show about how surprised he was as he wrapped his brother up in the biggest hug. Lily handed Remus his drink and kissed his cheek, “Thank you.” She spoke against Remus’s ear, “James has been in a tizzy all week about if we’d pull this off.” 

The band on the small stage started playing a low bass heavy rock song as Sirius made the rounds. He was only two people deep when he remembered Remus, Sirius walked over to where he and Lily were standing, “Come meet my friends.” A warm hand slid into the back pocket of Remus’s dark slacks as Sirius steered him away from Lily and towards a room full of strangers. 

Faces and names started to blur together after the first 15 people, but there were a few that stood out to him. A handful of guys that had gone to boarding school with Sirius and James, a few pretty girls that were infatuated with him, but there was a distinct lack of coworkers. Sirius’ eldest cousin Andromeda was there with her husband Ted, “Oh my god, I’ve never gotten to meet any of Sirius’ family, I was starting to assume he’d made the lot of you up.” Remus shook her hand. 

She had dark short hair and the kindest smile, the soft wrinkles around her eyes and mouth made it seem like she’d done nothing but smile her whole life. There was something warm and comforting about her presence, “Well I am the favorite, so I do get an invite every now and again.” 

Sirius scoffed next to him, “Far as I’m concerned, you’re my only cousin.” Remus wasn’t sure what to make of the comment but she just brushed it off and shook her head. 

“We’re only here to tell you we love you and hope you have the best of birthdays, we left Dora with the sitter, and you know she gets wild if we’re gone too long.” Andromeda leaned in and kissed Sirius’s cheek, she whispered something Remus couldn’t make out. 

He turned to Ted and shook his hand, “I was nice to meet you. Don’t let that boy be such a stranger, we’re still his family.” Ted’s large hand felt strong wrapped around Remus’s. Raising a questioning eyebrow at Ted Remus just nodded like he understood what he was saying. 

Sirius slipped an envelope from Andromeda into the inner pocket of his jacket and watched them leave, “Sirius? Are you alright?” There was a strained smile on his face. 

The other man visibly shook away whatever he was dealing with, “Yeah, this is a party right? So let’s party.” He made his way towards the bar, and Remus reluctantly followed, they needed to talk about Sirius’s family soon if it was such a large sore spot for him. A few drinks later and the awkward moment had passed, the people were all talking loudly, and the band played even louder. 

Sirius and Remus danced under the dim lights, the two were inseparable, Sirius had barely left his side the whole night and he couldn’t be more grateful. If it had just been him and Lily in a corner for this whole ordeal it would have felt uncomfortable, like he was some weird voyeur looking in on Sirius’s life, like he didn’t belong. But when Sirius had his hands on Remus’s hips, grinding against him to the beat of the music he couldn’t imagine that he’d ever stop touching him. Remus could smell Sirius’s cologne mixing with the alcohol and the smell of someone smoking, “God, you smell good.” Remus nosed against his neck. 

He’d been considering taking Sirius into some back room and having his way with him when the music cut out and the sound of someone tapping a microphone cut through the crowd. They turned to face the stage, James stood on the stage with a microphone in his hand, glasses slightly askew on his flushed face. A spot light hit James, bathing him in a golden glow, he coughed. “Now you all know why we're here, it’s my brother’s birthday. I had originally written out a long speech about how much I love him, but I’m drunk and not sure where it has gone. So now I’m up here with no plan. I met, this idiot,” He pointed at Sirius and offered a hand to pull him up on stage. Remus reluctantly let him go, a chill replacing the feeling of Sirius’s warmth against him. With an easy grace he climbed up on to the stage with his best friend, James wrapped an arm around him. 

“This idiot, when we were 11, and I have loved him every day since. We got into more trouble than any of you could imagine, some of you were there, and for that I’m sorry. But we learned from one another and we grew together, honestly, we just got better at not getting caught. There is not another person I would want to share so much of myself with. I’ve known him longer than I was without him, he completes me, he’s my brother, and I’m so happy we’ve made it through another year together.” James planted the biggest kiss on Sirius’s cheek, Sirius feigned disgust and playfully pushed him away.

A waiter walked around handing out flutes of champagne to everyone throughout the speech, Remus clung to the chilled glass. Two flutes somehow made it to the stage and into the hands of James and Sirius, “To Sirius! To being 26! To having a great fucking night!” James bellowed into the microphone. They crossed arms like they were getting married and drank deeply from their flutes. The resounding cheering was louder than when they had arrived, bolstered by alcohol and whatever else everyone was riding high on. Balloons and glitter rained down from the ceiling coating the unsuspecting party goers, Sirius smiled the purest smile Remus had ever seen grace his features. 

He exchanged a few words with James before hopping back down off of the stage. Some slow song started playing and Sirius raised an eyebrow at Remus, “I’ve never seen anyone look so happy to have glitter dumped on them.” He picked a few flakes out of Remus’s hair with the deftness of someone far more sober than he should be. 

Remus gladly accepted Sirius wrapping his arms around him to sway slowly across the dance floor, the mood had shifted from their previous dances, this felt soft. “I’m smiling at you, idiot. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you look so happy.” 

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so loved.” Sirius’s voice had dropped to a whisper against Remus’s ear. Their quiet vulnerable moment only lasted the one song before James and Lily came bounding up to them and the song changed. The four of them danced for a few more upbeat songs, Remus and Lily fitting against one another easily when their dates took to one another. 

They all stumbled into a booth with plush velvet seats and a round table in the middle. “I love this.” Lily smiled taking Remus’s hand and leaning into him. 

“Oi, hands off Evans.” Sirius teased flopping down on the other side of Remus. He motioned for another round of drinks to be brought over, which arrived momentarily, then were followed by shots of something cold and bitter. 

“This is good, the four of us.” Lily motioned around the table. Remus could tell she was starting to feel the effects of the drink by the way she swayed with the motion. She leaned around Remus to talk directly to Sirius, he leaned back laughing at the two of them talk animatedly about him like he wasn’t even there. 

“And that thing he does when he thinks you’re not listening to him, where he says something outrageous,” Sirius groaned.

“But you love it though, you can’t help but love it. There’s just something about it, makes you crazy, but like in a good way.” 

“I know exactly what you mean. Was he always like this?”

“As long as I’ve known him, yeah. And that’s pretty much as long as you’ve known James. Who is an ass of an angel, by the way.” 

“Oh, I know! I’ve had years of this Lils, years!” James flopped down into the booth with another round of drinks looking offended by what was going on. 

“Is he complaining about me?” James asked pushing his glasses up on his nose.

“Yep.” Remus nodded immediately deciding that was a poor decision, his vision was starting to sway now that he was sitting down. James handed him a beer before he leaned over and started berating Sirius about something he had said to Lily. 

The music was deafening in his ears, he barely noticed Sirius leaning back towards him, “Are you ready to head out?” 

“Not unless you are. It’s your party.” He tried to suppress a yawn, apparently Sirius wasn’t convinced. 

“Let me say my goodbyes and we’ll get going.” Sirius squeezed his knee, his hand overly warm through the fabric. The liquor had started to get to him and he could feel his body running warmer than it normally did, he was suddenly grateful he’d worn an almost see through white shirt. 

“I demand we stop for burgers on the way home!” James shouted flopping over Lily’s lap to wave a finger at Sirius. 

Sirius kissed the tip of James’s finger before standing up and walking away to say goodbye to a few people he deemed important enough. He thanked the band and the bartenders before coming back towards his drunk friends. “How are you so sober?” Remus asked, an accusatory tone in his voice as he glared at him. 

Sirius helped him to his feet, “I’m not.” He breathed against Remus’s ear. “I’m just good at hiding it until I get home.” 

James stood up, “That’s true. It’s his one talent. Mine is getting us home.” He held his hand out for Lily and helped her to her feet. 

Remus leaned into Sirius, mouth hot against his neck, “I wouldn’t say it’s your only talent.” He whispered. Sirius looked up at him grey eyes filled with heat and desire.

The four of them stumbled out the front door and into a black car that James had waiting for them. Sirius was pressed against Remus’s side, thigh to thigh as he leaned his head on Remus’s shoulder. Lily was on the other side of him, curling into herself, leaning against the door frame, her fingers loosley intertwined with his. James navigated the car towards the nearest fast food burger place with a voice full of drunken bravado. Remus smiled letting his head roll back against the headrest, he could get used to this, the four of them together, more like a family than he had felt in a long time. 

Remus barely had time to acknowledge Sirius and James’s shared apartment before he was being dragged down the hall into Sirius’s room. He didn’t bother to switch on the light as he pushed Remus down onto the plush mattress, “You’re the best birthday present I could ask for.” Sirius breathed against his lips as he climbed on top of him. They fell into a messy drunken rhythm of hips and hands, teeth and tongues, getting off together quickly in the dark before passing out in Sirius’s bed. 

He woke in the middle of the night with a start, he hadn’t been expecting the old nightmare to resurface out of nowhere. It had been months since Remus had that dream, cold sweat pricked his brow and chest. There was heavy rain pounding on the window outside but Sirius’s heavy breathing grounded him back to this earth, where he was safe, tucked into bed next to Sirius. It was easy to fall back asleep after that, morning came too quickly and he found himself awoken by Lily and James barging in to sit at the foot of the bed with coffee and aspirin. 

In the morning light Remus could make out Sirius’s expensive tastes displayed throughout the room. Heavy furniture was painted a glossy black and accented with gold fixtures, the sheets were much softer then he’d noticed the night before. A single photo of Sirius and a younger looking James sat on his nightstand, the rest of the room felt cold and sterile, hardly a flair of Sirius’s vibrant personality in the room. He sipped his coffee silently and listened to James regale them with tales of the evening making a mental note to have a real talk with Sirius soon about his family and the other walls they’d been ignoring between the two of them, before it was too late to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to the one and only Sirius Black! 
> 
> I'm posting this from my phone so if it's wonky formatting I'm sorry! 
> 
> Enjoy!


	8. Friendsgiving

Remus picked up the ringing phone, pressing it between his cheek and his shoulder as he pads around his small kitchen. “Hello.” There’s a smile in his voice. 

“Remus darling!” His mother greets him with a cheery tone. “I miss you. How are you?”

“I’m doing good.” He responds filling a pot he’d finally managed to get out of the cabinet under the sink with water. “I’ve been working a lot, sorry I haven’t called.” Looking over the small counter he motioned for Sirius to turn the volume of the TV down. 

“It’s alright love, you sound happy. I’m so glad to hear it. Tell me about what I’ve missed.” Hope’s joy is palpable through the phone line. 

Remus sets the pot down on the burner of the stove and flips the switch, “I, I met someone.” He says, voice small almost like he’s hoping Sirius doesn’t hear him. But the apartment is small and his voice carries, Sirius looks up at him with wide eyes. 

“How exciting. Tell me a bit about him.” Remus bites his lip and lets out a long slow breath. 

“He’s great mom, really fun, incredible at keeping up with my sarcasm, smart, handsome. The whole nine really.” Sirius is eating it up, eyes locked on Remus’s green ones across the apartment. He can see Sirius’s head swelling from this distance, he stands up and comes to sit on the barstool across the counter from Remus. 

“I’m so happy for you honey.” And she truly sounds it, Remus wonders if she had the same reservations that he’d had up until recently, the constant fear that he would end up alone. “Your father wanted me to call and ask if you were going to make it home for Thanksgiving.”

Despite the fact that they were on the phone Remus shook his head, “I don’t think so, maybe for Christmas. Lily and I are doing friendsgiving at my place again this year. All of these restaurant kids that can’t go home need a place to be. Family away from family and all of that.” Sirius tilted his head at that, Remus hadn’t asked him if he wanted to come yet. 

“I understand. You’re such a sweet boy. Keep me posted about Christmas. Maybe bring your new boyfriend with you.” There was something in her tone that suggested there was more she wanted to talk about but she didn’t want to come out and say it.

“What is it mom?”

“I know that you missed a few sessions. I don’t want to pry but I just want to make sure that you’re doing alright.” 

Remus frowned and turned away from Sirius, eyes focused on the now boiling pot of water. “I just had a really busy couple of weeks. I’m going back tomorrow, you don’t need to worry.” He pours the pasta into the water and flails around looking for a spoon to stir it with. 

“I just want you to remember that you can talk to me honey. Or talk to your therapist, Dr. Pomfrey has been very helpful in your recovery.” 

“I know, I know. I was just busy, I swear.” 

“Okay, I’m just checking sweetie.” 

“I know mom. I’m trying to cook dinner, I’ll call you after my appointment tomorrow.” 

“Good, I’d love to hear how Lily is faring these days. I love you Remus.” 

“I love you too mom.” He hangs up finally finding a spoon to stir the pasta that’s cooking in a pot large enough to feed two. 

Sirius pipes up from behind him, “I can’t believe that you just told your mother that I’m smart. She’s going to be so very disappointed.” It was a jest but Remus still felt something cold trickle down the back of his neck and settle between his shoulder blades. “You have an appointment tomorrow?” 

Ah, there it is, the question he didn’t want. “Yeah, I’ve missed my last few.” Stirring the pasta and not looking back at Sirius. 

“Is it for something serious? Should I be worried?” Remus heard the barstool scoot backwards as Sirius stood and walked around the counter, sharing the small cramped space with Remus as best he could. 

“It’s, uh, it’s for therapy.” His voice came out a whisper even though he didn’t mean it to come out that way. 

Sirius is at his elbow, warm hand on the small of his back, “Hey, look at me.” Shy eyes lifted from the boiling water to Sirius’s face, a look of absolute understanding took him by surprise. “There’s nothing wrong about going to therapy. It’s brave.” 

All of the breath leaves his body, “I’ve been so afraid to tell you. It’s a lot to do with the accident I was in. It’s just such a heavy thing to talk about. I never want to put that on anyone else.” 

“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything Remus.” Sirius leans in and plants a soft kiss on his lips, he feels delicate, like a strong gust of wind would knock him over. “Do you want me to finish up?” He gestures to the stove and Remus’s now shaking hands.

“I think I can finish up.” Remus offers him a small smile, that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. A few minutes go by, Sirius busies himself with setting the small bar up for them to eat at. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Anything.” Sirius offers, voice light as he connects his phone to the bluetooth speaker in the living room and turns on some old Fleetwood Mac. 

Remus bit his lip as he drained the pasta into the sink. “What’s the deal with your family? I know you don’t like talking about it, but we’ve been doing whatever this is for a while now and I really think I should at least know what the deal is.” 

Remus pretends he doesn’t see Sirius freeze, it’s that momentary lapse where he doesn’t seem to exist on this plane. He goes back to setting out silverware and getting glasses, “They’re not great. I try to stay as far away from them as I can, but work dictates a certain amount of interaction. I’m not sure how to untangle myself from them, but then there’s also Regulus, my brother. I don’t want to leave him alone with those people.” 

“Why don’t you just quit?”

“They’re my family Remus, I can’t just quit them. And even then I can’t really quit this job either, it pays for a large part of my life, so I just do my best to distance myself from the things they do and say.” 

“I just think if we’re going to keep doing this that we’ve got to talk about the hard stuff from time to time.” 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that you’re asking me to be your boyfriend.” There’s a smirk on Sirius’s face, dimple appearing in his cheek.

Remus’s cheeks went pink as he mixed a jar of store bought sauce into the pasta he’d made. “I mean, I didn’t ask.” 

“Good, cause I’d be worried if you had. What did you think we’d been doing this whole time?” His chest swelled, blossoming warmth from Sirius’s words starting to spread. 

“So, does my boyfriend want to help Lily and I host friendsgiving this year?” Sirius pulled the spoon out of his hands and wrapped him up in a big kiss, arms wrapping around his torso. They stayed like that for a while, pressed impossibly close to one another, kissing and touching, food long forgotten in favor of closeness. A song or two passes by in the background before they separate, breathless and smiling. 

“Of course he does. I make a mean stuffing.” 

And Remus found that Sirius hadn’t been lying, they spent the past week coordinating kitchen times and getting all of their friends ready to show up. Lily had come over early with James, wine and turkey accompanying them, Lily slid the turkey into the oven to keep warm, just as Sirius was pulling out his stuffing, browned to perfection on the top. “Color me impressed. James said he can’t cook so he just brought wine.” Lily smiled hugging Sirius with one arm. He was wearing Remus’s ‘Sarcasm Served All Day, Every Day’ apron that Lily had gotten him one year for Christmas. 

“Did you bring the big fold out table?” Remus asks. 

“Yeah, did you want to come help me carry it up?” James asks. The two of them head down to Lily’s car and pull the folding table out, carrying it up the three flights of stairs to his apartment. The only reason they did it at his instead of Lily’s was because his apartment was bigger, he just didn’t have the table for the number of people they had showing up. Together with James they set up the table and covered it in a long table cloth that Remus’s mom had sent him years ago for such an occasion. 

“Rem, can you get the door?” Sirius calls from where him and Lily had cracked open a bottle of wine and were steadily filling their glasses before they filled any more. 

He laughed and made his way to open the door, Marlene was there with her arm draped around Dorcas’s shoulders. “She said that I had to bring something, so I brought her.” She said pointing to Dorcas. 

“Ignore her, she’s mad she can’t make it home this year. But I brought green bean casserole and beets!” The dark haired girl smiled, her round face lighting up as she lifted the glass casserole dish that had a seasonal tupperware bowl balanced on top of it. 

“Thank you so much! We’re just setting up the table now, so set them on the counter and make yourself at home.” Remus poured them two glasses of wine, passing one to Dorcas and walking over to Marlene with the other. “So, is that a thing now?” He asked handing her the glass and nodding at Dorcas who was hanging up her scarf and hugging Lily. 

“I think so. I don’t really get it, she’s way to nice for me.” Marlene took a deep pull from the glass, “I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t a joke.” 

Remus smiled, “I know that feeling. They could rip the world out from under you if they wanted.” The pair of them watched their significant others across the room, “I should help James with the table. Will you listen for the door?”

Marlene nodded and went back over to Dorcas, it left Remus and James together to set the table. Lily’s place mats looked good under his all white dish set, and they even took the time to set some candles in the middle of the table. “All right, we’re ready to set the food out.” Remus called as he noticed Marlene let Benjy and Caradoc in. “Sirius, could you?” 

The other man walked out of the kitchen and started to set the food on the table with the help of Dorcas and Lily. Remus greeted the newcomers with a smile, “Fab and Gid were right behind us at the gate so they should be right up. I’ve got sweet potato casserole.” Caradoc offered with a one armed hug before heading into the living room that was slowly being converted into a dining room. 

“Hey, thanks for inviting me.” Benjy offered with a small smile, he looked out of place, like he was uncomfortable. “I didn’t realize we had to bring something.” 

Sirius placed a hand on the small of Remus’s back making him jump at the light touch, “It’s good to see you again Benjy.” He smiled, it was that wolfish grin of his again, Remus was starting to realize it meant he was about to tease someone. 

“Thanks for coming, make yourself at home. Don’t worry about it, these idiots only show up with food because we’ve been doing this for a few years and they know to bring what they want. It’s not a requirement. But really, get some wine, Lily’s boyfriend, James, bought some really nice red.” He nodded and took the escape route that Remus had offered him. 

Remus rounded on Sirius, a finger raised to point in his face, “Be nice to him tonight.”

“I wasn’t going to do anything.” Sirius said, hands raised in surrender. 

He narrowed his eyes at him, “You had that look on your face.” 

“What look? There was no look. James, tell him there was no look.” He called out for support before ducking away from Remus’s glare.

James was busy talking to Caradoc with an arm around Lily. Another knock at the door was followed by the twins letting themselves in the now unlocked door. Wearing matching hand knit sweaters, one with an F and the other with a G, the pair held up a few bottles of whiskey and something in a mason jar. “We’ve got the liquid diet covered.” They shouted with smile. 

Lily walked up to him, “How many more are we expecting? I may need to grab the desk chair out of your bedroom.” 

Remus raises his hand, fingers ticking off as he spoke, “Frank and Alice, Mary, and Emmeline are still missing.” 

“Yeah, I’m going to grab that chair, and maybe the barstools.” She said trying to get a headcount of their ever mingling and moving friends. 

Remus caught her hand in his before she was able to walk away, “Hey, thanks for doing this every year with me. I know you could be at home with your family.” 

She smiled, green eyes soft, “I would never leave you alone Remus, plus, look at all of these fucks, they need a little love.” Lily pressed a quick kiss onto his cheek before walking away to grab some chairs. Frank and Alice arrived in a whirlwind of hair and movement, all loud shouts and big smiles as they folded into the growing crowd. They had just come from her parents, and the shining ring on her finger was flashed about earning congratulations and praise from all. 

Alice wrapped her arms around Remus, “Shit, we forgot the pie.” She pulls away shocked at herself. “Frank! The pie!” She flits off towards him to discuss what they’re going to do about the dessert they were supposed to be bringing. As they’re on their way out to get another one Mary MacDonald shows up with three homemade pies stacked on top of each other, cheeks pink from the cold outside. Emmeline is the last to show up, she’d had an audition before this that she had hoped had gone well, only remembering at the last second to grab some rolls to bring.

Sirius is back at his side, mouth against his ear, “I can’t believe that this many people actually like each other. This is so much warmer than my parents holiday dinners.” Remus laughs to himself, leaning into Sirius’s warmth. 

Lily pulls the turkey from the oven and sets it at the head of the table with the carving knife for Remus. “Alright children. Grab your drinks and take your seats.” She sits at the opposite end of the table from Remus, lips tinted from all the wine she’s already had. Everyone files around the table, Sirius sits to his right and Benjy to his left, directly across from Sirius, Remus pretends not to notice. “Go on love.” Lily says raising a glass in Remus’s direction.

“When I first started working at The Phoenix I was in really rough shape, physically, mentally, the whole thing. But I was beyond lucky enough to find a family in all of you. My family is a little far to make the trip for Thanksgiving feasible and I know it’s the same for most of you, so this is my way of saying ‘thank you’ every year. I don’t know where I would be without the lot of you. And I don’t say it enough, but I love all of you idiots, and the new ones too. ” He said setting a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Also congratulations to Frank and Alice, the most ‘couple goals’ of us all. I can’t wait to see Frank dance at this wedding. Alright, enough sappy shit. We’re here to eat and drink, so let’s get to it.” 

A round of applause went around the table and everyone cheersed, glasses all clinking with one another. It was easy enough for Remus to carve the turkey since they’d been doing this for a few years, and he remembered who liked what for the most part. The food made its way around the table as everyone loaded up their first plates. Remus smiled at the hush that went around the table as everyone took their first bites, it was his favorite part of the meal. Sirius’s hand settled on his knee, he kept it there for most of the meal as they all ate and drank and talked. 

There were fun moments of the twins tossing marshmallows from the casserole at one another across the table and catching them in their mouths. There were sweet moments of Dorcas and Marlene leaning too close to one another like no one else existed. James and Lily disappeared in the middle of the meal for too long and came back to dessert jokes all around. “This is my favorite holiday.” He says with a smile at Sirius. 

“It’s my favorite now, this is amazing.” It didn’t take long for the nice dinner to dissolve into all of them drinking too much. Lily put a thanksgiving movie on the living room TV and the girls all piles on top of one another to watch and drink their wine. Gid, Fab, Caradoc, Benjy, and James were all in the kitchen doing shots of cinnamon whiskey, the twins favorite whiskey. Frank and Alice were sitting next to him and Sirius discussing the proposal and the wedding. 

“Can I tell you something Rem?” She asked taking his hand in hers. 

“Anything Alice.” 

“I’ve never seen you so happy as when you’re with him.” 

He smiled and looked over at Sirius, he was talking to Frank animatedly about the first dance at his cousin’s wedding. Dark hair was loose and brushing his shoulders, grey eyes were so full of laughter, his hands waving as he spoke. “Can I tell you something Alice?”

“Anything Rem.” 

“I think I may be a little bit in love with him.” 

“You deserve this.” She squeezed his hand. Remus looked at her, there was something in her blue eyes that he recognized, and it wasn’t pity for once. She truly believed what she was saying, all of the conviction in the world was splayed across her features. “You deserve someone who makes you happy like this, after everything, it’s the least you deserve.” Alice kisses the back of his hand and sets it on her stomach. 

Remus raises his eyebrows at her, “Are you sure?” He asks eyes wide with shock. 

Alice nods, blonde curls bouncing, “We found out last month.” 

“Oh my god. Alice that’s amazing!” He pulls the smaller woman forward and hugs her tightly. “I can’t believe how loved that baby is going to be.” She pulls away with tears in her eyes and reaches across the table for Frank’s hand.

“I’m going to have to do more than just learn to dance, eh?” Frank smiles at him across the table. 

The couple leaves shortly after, not wanting to stick around for the twins being shitfaced. And they are getting there, the boys still standing around in the kitchen and talking, Lily ducks under James’s arm and snuggles up to him with sleep in her eyes. “Fab, Gid, you’re cut off.” Remus says walking over and taking the mostly empty bottle of whiskey away from them. 

“Lighten up Rem, it’s the holidays.” Gideon slurs. 

“Last year I spent the next two days cleaning puke out of my carpets, so no, I will not lighten up.” He scolded them lightly. 

Fabian waved him off, “We should head home though. Molly is expecting us at hers tomorrow morning and if I have to deal with Bill and Charlie hung over I’m likely to toss one of those kids.” He sounded significantly better off than his brother. 

“Send her and Arthur my love. I haven’t seen them in ages.” Remus offers before ushering them towards the door. 

“Will do.” Fabian wrapped and arm around Gideon and dragged him towards the door, “Come on you big lush.”

Sirius grabbed the bottle from him and poured the last of it into a few shot glasses, passing one to Lily, James, and Remus, “To chosen family,” The four of them drank to that and all cringed at the burn of the whiskey. It takes another hour or two to usher the rest of their guests out, Emmeline especially bothered to leave the comfort of laying across Marlene and Dorcas’s laps. 

Benjy hugs Remus for a moment longer than necessary, when he pulls away it seems like he’s considering saying something before deciding against it. “Thanks again for having me.” 

“Anytime.” And then it’s just him and Sirius. Far too full to fool around they leave most of the mess for the next morning and head towards his bedroom. Laying next to one another it’s all soft kisses and languid touches, comfortable silence stretches between them. 

“Did I hear you tell Alice that you might be in love with me?” Sirius mumbles against his lips.

Remus’s eyes had long since closed with no intention of opening again, “You didn’t hear anything.” He whispers back. 

“I really think I did.” 

“Nope. Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Remus says rolling away from Sirius and pulling his arm around him to snuggle with. 

“Mhmmmm.” Sirius hummed against the back of his head, vibrations trailing through his body as he slipped into unconsciousness with a smile plastered on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the bit of a delay. I'm unfortunately going through some rough personal stuff. 
> 
> But I do still intend to finish this, it just may be at a slower pace.
> 
> As always I'm at: discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com


	9. Falling

Sirius said he’d pick Remus up from his place, the last thing he was expecting was to walk out and find Sirius stradling an idling motorcycle. “No.” It was the only word he could find in his brain as he started to short circuit. His mind raced with what he knew of Sirius, impulsive, brash, willing to take too many risks, the last kind of person you’d want driving a motorcycle. 

“Aw come on Rem. I’ve brought you a helmet and we’ll be late if we don’t leave now.” Everything in his body screamed against this, but Sirius was pressing a helmet into his hands. 

“I’m dressed too nice for this, so are you.” He gestured to the two of them standing in front of his building dressed to the nines. They were supposed to be heading to Sirius’ work Christmas party. Sirius was dressed in nice slacks, Remus couldn’t tell if they were too tight or if it was because he was straddling the bike. His thighs taught against the expensive material, the imagery conflicting in his brain. Briefly he wondered if Sirius would ever stop surprising him. The other man seemed to be wearing a familiar leather jacket over a nice button down and a tailored vest, everything fit him like it was made for him. 

Sirius shrugged and glanced at the gold watch on his wrist, “Get on the bike Remus, we’re going to be late.” There was something that crossed his face, the expression touched his eyes just slightly, it looked almost like fear. 

“I-I,” He choked on the words. “I don’t like this.” He didn’t mean for it to come out a whisper.

The weird expression was gone from his face, easily replaced by that infuriating confidence that he wore like a mask. “Don’t you trust me?” 

The words burned against Remus’ brain, hot like a brand, “Of course I do.” 

“Then please get on the bike. I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear.” He extended a hand, gloved in black leather. Going against everything he knew and his base instincts Remus reached out, the leather warm and butter soft against his bare skin. 

Pulling the helmet on over his hair, that he’d spent far too long on, Remus slung a long leg over the back of the bike. Utterly out of his depth and uncomfortable he froze. The bike rumbled between his legs as his hips slid forward connecting with Sirius tailbone. Putting his feet up on the passenger foot peg his thighs touched against the outside of Sirius and he could feel the heat coming off of the other man’s body. 

Sirius took Remus’s hands and set them on his waist, “If you’re scared, hold on tighter. It’s a short trip, I swear.” The sound of his voice was muffled by the padding inside the helmet, then Sirius let go of his hands and put them back on the handlebars. The bike leaned as he pushed the kickstand up with his foot. The idling became a roar and they jerked forward suddenly. Remus couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Sirius’ middle and lean against his back, his eyes resolutely closed on the other side of the visor. 

The trip could have been minutes or hours, Remus wasn’t sure how time worked while on the back of that bike. When they stopped moving and Sirius patted Remus’s wrist he jumped a little. Putting his feet back down on solid ground he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. 

He took a moment to take off the helmet and take in his surroundings. They were at one of the luxury hotels downtown, he’d never been in, he’d only ever driven past it on the way to the bar with his friends. Valet was running towards them, Sirius tossed the keys to the man in all black and got looked at Remus over his shoulder, “You’ve got to get off, unless you want to skip out and go riding around town in stead.” There was a hopeful tone in his voice but he knew this party was important to Sirius’s career. 

Shaking his head he stepped off the bike, awkwardly holding the helmet in his hand. “You’re buying me an uber home.” Remus stated cooly, trying to act as if his legs didn’t feel like jelly. He was unsure if it was from the vibration of the bike, the cool trickle of anxiety he could still feel down the back of his neck, or if it had been the proximity to Sirius in the first place. 

“Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad.” Sirius took the helmet from Remus’s hands, where his knuckle white grip had been holding on to it. 

Remus shook his head, attempting to fix his hair. Smoothing out the deep maroon suit jacket he fixed Sirius with a stern look, “You’ll be drunk later. We are not driving home on that,” He pointed to the back, “With you intoxicated.” There was a firmness in his voice Sirius had never heard before. 

He looked back at the bike, “He didn’t mean it baby.” He petted the gas tank sweetly before handing both of the helmets to the valet driver. Playful grey eyes swept back up, “Scouts honor,” He gave a mock salute, “If I’m drunk we will uber home, your majesty.” 

Unable to do anything but roll his eyes Remus motioned towards the door, he didn’t have any idea where they were going but assumed Sirius did. “Lead the way.” Following Sirius was easy enough, through the halls of the ballrooms, for a moment it felt like they were the only ones around for miles, bound to end up lost in this low lit maze of rooms. And then they turned a corner and Remus felt the breath leave his body for the second time that night. 

To say the decorations were over the top would be the understatement of the century. Where the previous hallways had been bare and copy and pasted this one was in a league of its own. Huge banners were hung from the vaulted ceilings, all black and green and silver. They were gorgeous in a very cold and a corporate way. The font scrawling across the banner over the doorway read, Black Corp. 30th Annual Christmas Party. It was the first time Remus really saw the name of where Sirius worked. It felt like something heavy fell into the pit of his stomach, the splash of it causing acid to rise in the back of his throat.  _ Family business, _ rang in his head and he felt that cold trickle of anxiety become a steady stream of cold rushing down his spine.

All of the banners and balloons and tinsel in the world couldn’t cover up what Remus knew about this corporation. Black Corp. was notorious for dirty dealings, insider trading, and questionable cover ups of their equally heinous employees. Remus went to turn towards Sirius to ask him how he worked her but he wasn’t there. A few feet away, he saw a girl with wild curls talking to him in a hushed voice, her hand grabbing Sirius’ upper arm in a dangerous way. “Not now Bella.” Sirius hissed pulling away from her. 

Returning to Remus’s side Sirius smiled, it didn’t touch his eyes, “Sorry about that. I do have some business I’ll have to take care of tonight but let’s get some drinks and make the rounds first.” The tone of his voice was the same clipped one Remus had heard him use on various phone calls at the end of his bar, but it had never been directed at him before. All he could do was nod, thoughts and words stuck in the back of his throat as he tried to process. 

Sirius ditched his leather jacket at the coat check, the tuxedo jacket that was under it was sinfully tight and just distracting enough to make the side of Remus’s lip quirk up in the form of a tense smile. “That’s better, now to find the bar.” Making their way passed christmas trees as tall as Remus’s apartment building, various groups of older looking gentleman and bored looking women were gathered in little packs, eventually finding a stand alone bar just outside of the doors to the ballroom. 

Sharing a look of sympathy with the bartender as Sirius ordered them two drinks in that same clipped short timbre that seemed to set the tone for the evening. Remus reached for his wallet to tip the man at the least and Sirius stopped him, “It’s an open bar. They’re all paid incredibly well, I don’t even think they’re allowed to take tips.” The cold way he spoke about the man right in front of him made Remus’s blood boil. 

He rounded on the other man ready to start this fight here and now, christmas party be damned, but someone else was approaching them. Sirius downed his drink and set it on the bar, politely asking for another before he stepped up to the approaching man. There was something about his slicked back blonde hair that made Remus’ fight or flight instinct kick on in the back of his mind. “Sirius!” He greeted Sirius in the fakest sounding voice. 

The two exchanged a firm handshake, “Lucius, I assume you’re taking excellent care of my cousin.” He motioned to a second blonde that was quickly approaching them, her heels clicking against the tile of the floor. The severe looking woman leaned in pressing her cheek to Sirius’ and giving him a quick air peck on the check. 

“We’re going to Milan for Christmas this year, so decent care at the least.” She teased the man next to her, sliding a manicured hand over his bicep. “The bigger question, is who you’ve brought with you this year?” She set her ice blue eyes on Remus and the acid in the back of his throat seemed to rise. “Oh, silly Sirius, he hasn’t introduced us. I’m Narcissa Malfoy, his dear cousin. And this is my husband Lucius.” 

Remus’ eyes quickly shot to the side, looking desperately for something in Sirius to ground him in the reality of this situation. Instead he watched Sirius pound back his second drink, his face taking on a sharp mean look as he set eyes on the woman again. “This is Remus,” The way he said his name, wielded it like it was a weapon to be used against these people, made his anxiety spike. “He’s my boyfriend.” Sirius slid an arm around his waist, pulling his close. It didn’t make Remus feel safe, he felt suddenly aware that something about this situation was very dangerous. 

“A last name would be nice, dear.” Her voice cut through the tension, like she was scolding a child. “It’s a pleasure, I’m sure.” She offered her hand, Remus untangled himself from Sirius and took her hand. 

“Pleasure.” It was the first word he’d been able to muster since walking into this part of the ballrooms. Narcissa’s hand felt like ice in his, soft but cold. 

Lucuis glanced at his watch, “We ought to go find our seats love. You don’t want to miss Bella’s speech, Rod gave me a bit of a preview at the office. It’s bound to be a spectacle.” 

Narcissa nodded, “Well do see if you can’t get him to come round more often.” She smiled, but it wasn’t kind, something about it reminded Remus of a shark. “It was nice to meet you Remus.” He offered her a smile and watched her walk away, he noticed her shoes, black heels, red on the bottom, he knew they cost more than his paycheck on a good week. 

Turning to search for Sirius again, eyes scanning over the crowd of people that were starting to filter into the ballroom. Finally, he found him talking to an older man, the slide of their handshake seemed suspicious to him, and he watched Sirius pocket something inside his jacket. Everything in his body screamed for him to get out of here, flight winning out over fight in his mind, the adrenaline coursing through his veins as he marched up to Sirius was going to make him sick.

With his voice low Remus spoke quick and sharp, “What the fuck Sirius? This whole time you’ve never thought to mention that this is-, that these are the people you work for? Work  _ with _ ? Do you have any idea what this company does? What they stand for?” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. The older man ducking away once Sirius had turned his back so he could face Remus. 

Sirius’ grey eyes, usually so bright and inquisitive looked glazed over and detached. The glass in his hand was empty and he looked so lost, so hurt that Remus chest gave way to a pang of guilt. “I know. I know better than you could imagine.” Something in his eyes screamed, don’t leave me alone here, and Remus took his arm. 

“You need to drink some water,” He took the empty glass and smelled it, whiskey, and not the cheap stuff either. “I can go get you some.” 

Remus briefly wondered what had happened to the man who had showed up at Lily’s halloween party dressed as Freddie Mercury. How had he been replaced by this shell of a man in such a short amount of time? “If you could, that would be great. I’ll meet you inside though, I’ve got something I have to do.” He pressed a chaste kiss on Remus’ cheek before turning away to walk into the now packed ballroom. 

Walking back over he handed the empty glass back to the bartender, “I’m incredibly sorry about him. He’s not normally like that.” The bartender raised an eyebrow, he looked like he wanted to say something but was unsure. “Can I get two tall glasses of water? I don’t know what number drink he was on but it can’t make this any easier.”

With a sad smile the bartender handed him the glasses, “I-I really shouldn’t say this,” There was a nervousness in his eyes as he looked around wildly. “But you don’t seem like you’re one of them. I’ve been working this event for the past 6 years, and he  _ is _ always like that. That was his fourth drink, it won’t be his last, you should leave before things get out of hand.” 

Remus felt his eyes narrow, “Excuse me?” Completely taken aback that someone could speak that way about the Sirius he knew. But this wasn’t his Sirius, was it, not this mean biting shell of who Remus thought he was. 

“These parties, with the whole family here, never end well. Just a word of warning.” Remus couldn’t find any words to try and express what he was feeling. It was all jumbled in his brain. Confusion, about why Sirius never brought up that this is where he worked. Betrayal, of finding out that this was the company that he worked for. Pitty, for the way that Sirius looked at him when surrounded by these people. The whole night was becoming a weird tangle of things he didn’t know how to unpack, or if he even wanted to. 

Walking into the ballroom he felt out of himself, like his mind was hovering 25 ft above his body. When he looked up at the stage he stopped dead, Sirius was on the stage. The words over the speakers were finally reaching his ears. “My family and I wouldn’t have been able to create and maintain the level of business that we do on a daily basis without so many of you.” The man speaking looked like Sirius but sharper, taller, and something significantly darker in his eyes.

“So enjoy the booze, enjoy the night! I hope your holidays will treat you all as well as you treat us all year. But remember, I’ll see you all in the office on Monday morning.” He teased, but it was laced with an underlying threat that couldn’t be taken lightly. Even from this distance he could see Sirius flinch as a large hand fell on his shoulder, “Care to say a few words, son?” 

Remus didn’t know how or why but suddenly he let go of the glass in his hand, it shattered to the floor, a poetic metaphor for his world view. Someone came out of nowhere, assuring him in a hushed voice that it was fine and it happened all the time. Sirius took the microphone, responding to the moniker of son, which Remus assumed was not indeed just a turn of phrase. “I’m glad we’ve all made it through another year, and father is right, we owe it all to you lot. So thank you, from our family to yours.” His voice sounded thin, like all of the air had been sucked out of the room, and Remus couldn’t imagine a more fitting description. 

The acid that had been rising in the back of his throat found it’s way dangerously high, he could taste bile. He took in the faces on the stage, various pieces of Sirius’ family history splayed out before him. The man was made up of other parts of these people, his mother’s eyes, his father’s face, the same lips as his brother, the same nose as his cousins. Their line was clear, it was evident who they all were, and what they represented to the world. And Remus wanted to scream, he wanted to throw the largest tantrum of his life, the people in this room were responsible for so much suffering. 

The only thing that stopped him was Sirius’ eyes meeting his across the room, he wasn’t even sure if it was intentional. But it stopped him in his tracks. Something was wrong here, deeply, fundamentally wrong. For the millionth time tonight, Remus’s body betrayed his mind, he found himself pushing deeper into the room, trying to get as close to Sirius as he could. To close this chasm between them as if contact would solidify him, bring him back to earth, before he disappeared. 

Remus made it to the edge of the stage as they were coming down, a deep bravado traveling through the wings. “That’s all you really had to say Sirius? I had asked you to prepare a speech. You’re supposed to be the heir, grow up and act like it. This isn’t one of your shitty friend’s parties, this is a company event for fucks sake.” 

A crisp clear nasally voice echoed the sentiment, “Pretending to not be a disappointment for just one night was too much for you. I offered to have a speech written for you and you told me that you had it under control. What a lie, Sirius. Pathetic.” The last word was more of a snarl than anything else.

“It wasn’t so bad,” A voice similar to Sirius’ tried to reason with them.

The absence of Sirius’ voice said more about the situation then his screams would have. They rounded the corner, alarmed to find the six foot man standing so close to them. Sirius’ father didn’t react, as if Remus was so far beneath him that he didn’t deserve to be seen. His mother, however, was a different story. A boney finger waved in front of his face, “I don’t know who you think you are, judging by your appearance, you obviously do not work for us. But I would suggest leaving before I’m forced to have you thrown out.” She spoke down her nose at him, Sirius’ grey eyes on her face staring at him with instantaneous hatred.

Fight or flight, it weighed on him, but he knew that this was not the place to speak to Sirius’ mother the way he really wanted to. “ _ We _ would be happy to leave.” He snapped, the vitriol in his voice unavoidable, reaching out for Sirius’ hand.

Weakly, as if he had nothing left to give Sirius took his hand and brushed past him mother. The last thing Remus expected was for her to reach up and sharply grab a handful of Sirius’ hair at the name of his neck. “He’s not going anywhere.” 

Flashbacks to Fenrir grabbing his hair like that, the lights, the rain, the accident, all came flooding back into his mind. Remus was a hair’s breadth away from losing it, words sat on his tongue, locked behind his teeth. “Let go.” Was all he could manage without raising his voice.

The younger man, the one that looked just like Sirius but without the years of stress weighing on him echoed Remus’s sentiment, “M-mother. People will see, let him go. Do not cause a scene.” His hand found her wrist and she relinquished her grip on Sirius. 

“If you walk out of this ballroom with him Sirius, don’t bother coming back. We all know about your  _ tendencies _ but I do not intend for them to be on display for our shareholders. You’ll lose your job, your family, your whole life. The choice is yours.” The speech sounded rehearsed, like this wasn’t the first time she’d threatened him with this. 

Sirius looked at Remus with those lost eyes, like he was a ship tied to the end of a dock in a hurricane. “I’m too high for this.” He mumbled, letting go of Remus’ hand and walking off towards the bar. 

Remus’s heart shattered in his chest, “Don’t ever think for a moment that he would choose someone like you, over all of this.” Her hand swept out and gestured to the extravagant party that was finally starting to pick up. And just as quickly as she appeared she brushed past him. Narcissa and her husband quickly followed suit, the other woman with the dark curly hair laughed in his face, something sharp and cynical that he hoped to never have to hear again. It was Sirius’ brother who lingered the longest. 

“Try and take care of him.” He whispered, barely audible over the din of the guests returning to their conversations. And then he melted into the crowd with the rest of his family. With everyone gone Remus felt hot angry tears fall to his cheeks. For the first time all night he followed his instincts, he walked out to the valet and ordered himself an uber.

Despite the terrible night, Remus didn’t go straight home, he found himself standing outside Lily’s door much later than he’d left the party. Unsure if he even wanted to bother her with this, he found himself knocking softly, before his legs gave out. She opened the door wrapped in nothing but a robe, “Remus?” There was sleep crusted in the corners of her eyes, he must have woken her. 

Glancing at his phone he realized how late it had become, “Shit, I’m so sorry Lils. I didn’t realize the time.” 

She shook her head and ushered him into her small studio apartment, “Remus, I don’t mean this in a terrible way, but you look like shit. What happened to you?” 

A sound came from the other side of the curtain that cornered Lily’s “bedroom” off from the rest of the house, “Come back to bed babe.” James’ now familiar voice flitted across the space. 

Remus found his eyes going wide, “Oh fuck. I’ll just go.” The amount of liquor he’d consumed between leaving the christmas party and now made it harder than normal to get his feet to cooperate with him though. 

“Shut up Potter.” Lily snapped, she wasn’t about to let some boy in her bed keep her from taking care of her best friend. “You’ll be doing nothing of the sort Rem, how did you even get here?” Her voice was so soft by comparison of the voices he experienced earlier. 

“Uber.” He mumbled, allowing himself to be ushered towards the couch, “I had a bad night.”

“I can very well see that Remus. What the hell happened? You were just supposed to go to a christmas party.” 

Remus didn’t know when his hair had fallen in his face but he looked up at Lily through his bangs, “We went. I left.” There was more shifting from the other side of the curtain, a sleepy eyed James walked out in a pair of Lily’s bright pink hello kitty pajama bottoms. 

“I’ll put the kettle on.” He whispered, giving Lily’s shoulder a soft squeeze on the way to the small kitchenette. Jealousy flared in his chest, he wanted that, he wanted it so badly, but he sure knew how to pick them. 

Lily reached out, stroking Remus’s cheek, he was unsurprised to feel the dampness of tears again. “You’ve got to tell me more than that Remus. Why did you leave? Did you leave without him?” He nodded slowly, the room was spinning enough without him moving his head around sharply. “Why?” 

Remus couldn’t bring himself to look at her bright green eyes filled with concern that he’d put there, he did that to people. “Did you know who he was Lily? Where he works?” Suddenly James was there, silently pressing a hot cup of tea into his hands, he took it if only for something to do with his hands. 

“What do you mean?”

“Did everyone know but me?” Self pitty wasn’t his best look, but he couldn’t help feeling so stupid. 

“Know what Remus? Tell me what’s going on before I go kill a man.” The softness of concern was replaced by fury. 

“His last name, did you know his last name?” 

“Sirius’ last name? No. What does that have to do with anything?” 

James raised an eyebrow from his silent place next to her, “Our Sirius? His last name is Black. What’s that got to do with anything?” 

“God I’m so fucking stupid.” And then everything broke in him, Remus slammed a hand over his mouth trying desperately to keep the sobs from falling out. But he couldn’t stop it, he doubled over with the pain of it as it racked his body. Somewhere far outside of his body he could hear Lily berating James for information. Everything seemed so far, he gladly let her take his phone and tuck him into her small couch. Remus couldn’t feel anything outside of his sobs as he laid on her couch, only finally falling asleep with the first light of the sun rising. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back to being able to post regularly now, I had to get a new laptop. :(((
> 
> As always I'm at: discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com


	10. Introspection

When Remus woke up on Lily’s couch he was happy to find the apartment was empty, there was a note taped to the aspirin bottle on the coffee table. In Lily’s neat handwriting was a note that read: _ Good morning Rem! You needed to sleep so I kicked James out and went to work. Take all the time you need babe. Miraculously, I didn’t commit murder last night but I thought about it, vividly. I wanted to block his number but I knew it wasn’t my choice, instead your phone is charging by my bed. Be careful with it, take care of yourself. I love you. _Remus smiled as much as he could manage. 

Lily was right, he had definitely needed the sleep, but now he wasn’t sure what time it was or how long he’d been asleep. Slowly he sat up, the hangover pounding in his head as he did. He grabbed the aspirin and swallowed a few. From his sitting position he could read the clock on the stove in the kitchen, “Shit.” He ran a hand over his face and sighed, it was already 4pm. His eyes glanced towards Lily’s bedroom, the curtain was pulled back and the bed was neatly made, he could see his phone sitting on her nightstand. 

He decided he wasn't quite ready to deal with that and chose to walk to the small kitchenette and make himself a cup of coffee. Remus passed by Lily's full length mirror and stopped at the sight of himself, it wasn’t pretty. His eyes were still puffy from all of the crying, his hair was mussed in various directions, but it was more so the look in his eyes that felt haunting. Frowning he walked away from the mirror, his phone rang on the other side of the studio. The freezing feeling of undead fingers brushing across the back of his neck returned. He approached slowly, as if it were a wild animal that might strike at any moment. 

Bless her soul, Lily had left the phone face down on the nightstand, flipping it over he found a number he didn't recognize but had been labeled as 'jamsie poo'. "James?" He answers, voice croaking with sleep and probably dehydration. 

"Hey Remus, Lily gave me your number, I hope you don't mind. I was wondering if you were finally up." His voice was chipper, a layer of something strange he didn't recognize laced through it.

"Only just. I was about to make coffee." 

There was a weird scuffling noise on the other side of the line, "Stop." James hissed under his breath. "I want to talk to you about something, figured we could grab a bite to eat?" 

"As long as there's coffee I'm down. I'm starving anyway." He shrugged like James could see him. 

"There's a small cafe right around the corner from Lily's, I'll meet you there in fifteen?" Remus knew the one he was talking about, just a short walk away, but they had damn good coffee, many hungover mornings had been spent there. 

"I'll see you there. Hey James," Remus paused biting his lip. "I know he's there. I can hear him, please don't bring him. If this is some kind of trick, I'll just leave." 

There was something tender in James's voice when he next spoke, "I wouldn't ever do that to you. Don't worry. I'll see you soon. Okay?" 

"Okay." Remus hung up and immediately pocketed his phone without looking at any of the notifications. He knew he wasn't ready for whatever Sirius had sent him, if he'd sent him anything at all, especially if he was meeting James down the road. 

He walked back over to the mirror, his slacks were wrinkled and the shirt he'd been wearing was twisted at a funny angle, at some point he must have taken off his jacket. A quick glance around found it balled up on the couch under the pillow he'd collapsed on. Doing his best to fix his honey blonde hair with just his fingers Remus sighed, he wasn't ready to unpack last night but he was positive that's what James wanted to talk about. So many things had gone so spectacularly wrong. 

Sighing he slipped his dress shoes on and gathered up the rest of his few belongings. Lily had given him a spare key when she moved in, he tried not to use it but it was nice to be able to lock up for her on his way out. The day was blindingly sunny, it didn't at all match his mood, he found it abhorrent and frowned the whole way to the cafe. Remus seated himself in a booth in the back, if he was going to have a hard conversation he was at least going to do it away from others and in a comfortable seat. James showed up not a few moments later, looking every part the soccer player he was on the weekends. 

If he had to guess he would assume James had just come from Sunday afternoon practice. The other boy seemed to embody the sunny weather outside, and Remus felt bitter that he could be so happy. "Hey mate." James approached him cautiously. 

They made small talk and placed their orders, but once the warm coffee made its way into Remus' hands James leveled him with a look. It wasn't a look Remus would call aggressive but it was an 'I mean business's look. "Listen, I just want to talk to you about Sirius. In any normal circumstance we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't typically put my nose in anyone else's business. But when Sirius is involved I tend to step in." 

"James, you don't have to do this. We are both adults with our own problems. We'll figure it out," He paused, "Or maybe we won't, but that's life." 

James shook his head, "Here's the thing. I have known Sirius my whole life, he's a brother to me. But that being said he has a lot, and I mean a lot, of rough spots and issues. I'm shocked he brought you to that party because it's the worst day of the year for him, every year. To say that his family makes him crazy would be the biggest understatement. I know it's not my story to tell, so I can only offer you so much insight. But they are more than just rough on him. They hold him to such impossibly high standards and the punishment for not meeting those standards are insanely harsh. I've spent so many years begging him to leave that company, to leave those people and that environment, he could easily come work with me. But he's a romantic at heart and I think he believes,"

"They're abusive." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Remus thought back to the way his mother's hand had instinctively reached out and grabbed Sirius' hair, like it hadn't been the first time. It had been too familiar, hit too close to home, he could easily remember Fenrir doing the same.

James frowned into his latte, "Yeah. They always have been." He didn't meet Remus' eyes, and the soft whisper of his voice sounded like his heart breaking. 

"I appreciate you trying to shed some light on this James. But even despite that, he still hurt me. He lied to me, he let his mother humiliate me, hell, even the bartender tried to warn me. I understand the extenuating circumstances but I'm not ready to forgive him at the drop of a hat. People don’t learn what's right and wrong like that." 

James fixed him with a look, "Punishment for punishments sake isn't right either. And God knows he's had enough of that. I'm not saying to blindly forgive him. I just wanted you to be aware that it's not as black and white as it seems." 

"Life is never black and white. I know that." Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

James gestured to the waitress for another coffee, "Have you checked your phone yet? I know Lil took it last night to try and spare you for anything said in anger." 

Remus shook his head, "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet." 

"You should read it. He made me read it this morning. It's not as bad as you think it is. Though, I would skip the voicemails." James offered him a half smile, eyes sparkling behind his lenses. Remus could see why Lily liked this man, despite him being so far from her normal type. 

"I wouldn't want you to have to bare witness to my red puffy post cry face again, so I'll look at it later." Remus chewed on the skin to the side of his thumb nail. "Is it always like this?" 

"Being around Sirius?" James raised an eyebrow. Remus nodded, it felt silly to ask, but if James had known him for so long he would be the one with the answer. A soft chuckle came from deep in his chest, "Absolutely. He drives men mad, always has." He swallowed down the rest of his coffee and offered Remus a small smile. 

"I've got to get going, Lily made it clear I'm not allowed to be late to this family dinner tonight." James fished some cash out of his pocket and left it on the table. "Just think about what I said. Bye Remus." He slug his soccer bag over his shoulder and walked out. 

Remus was left with a cold half drunk coffee and an extreme sense of mixed emotions. He glanced at his phone for the time, it hadn't been a long conversation between them. He paid the bill and ducked out of the cafe, hands in the pockets of his wrinkled slacks from the night before. 

The Uber back to his place from this side of town allowed him far too much time to be alone with his thoughts. He knew a lot of Sirius' habits must be learned from that awful family, and he could understand not wanting to cut ties with his blood because it was his family. But it didn't excuse the excessive drinking, whatever he'd drugs he had taken, and the way he had dealt with the situation. Despite how much Remus knew he liked this man, he wasn’t willing to put himself in a bad situation again, he just wouldn’t do it. 

And then there was the whole issue with that company. He knew he would have to bring up his past to explain to Sirius just what the issue was. Dread sat in his stomach like a tiny ship trapped in a raging storm, acid rising in the back of his throat. He physically shook the train of thought from his mind and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Against his better judgement, a habit that was starting to form where Sirius was concerned, Remus opened his notifications tab on his phone. 

Following James’ advice he deleted the voicemails, he didn’t want to hear alcohol fueled venom in Sirius voice. He knew they would need to talk about this but he wasn’t ready yet, Remus reserved the right to be angry before he started to forgive Sirius, which he knew was inevitable. Ignoring all of the messages he opened up his phone app and pulled up Sirius’s number, he picked up on the second ring. 

“Oh thank god.” Sirius answered, panic in his voice. 

“I’m not ready to forgive you yet. I need time. I haven’t read your messages, and I don’t plan on it just yet. Let me process.” 

“B-but Remus I,” 

“No Sirius.” Remus cut him off knowing that if he let him talk he’d easily talk Remus out of being mad. “I’ll call you when I’m ready. Give me space until then.” 

The ragged way that Sirius’ voice caught in his throat before he relented broke Remus’s heart, “Okay. I’ll wait. But please don't leave for good. We can fix this, I know we can. I’m so sorry for everything.” 

He hung up before it was too late and spent the rest of the ride home trying not to cry. The reel in his memory stuck on repeat about the previous night. And it stayed that way for days, a week went by and they drew nearer and nearer towards Christmas. Just when he couldn’t take it anymore his mom called and asked him to come home for Christmas.

The train ride is long, but it’s familiar and he’s so thankful for the normalcy of it all. His brown duffle is tucked down by his feet as he slips on his headphones to try and ignore all of the sounds of people around him. The train is always crowded during the holidays, and being a few days out from Christmas only made it that much worse. Scrolling through spotify Remus skips over the playlist that Sirius had made him and tried to find something untainted by the memories of him. The ride is full of self deprecating thoughts and berating himself mentally about what he’s doing to Sirius. It’s full of biting nails and pulling on the skin of his lip, hands running wildly through his hair, he’s sure his seatmate thinks he’s on something. 

Eventually he makes it, the train pulling into an old familiar station, when his mom had reached out asking him to show up for Christmas she’d said that his father and her had dinner plans the night he was getting in so he’d have to be alone for a bit before they showed up. So there wasn’t anyone standing on the platform waving and excited to see him, Remus just exited the metal contraption and picked his way through the thick crowd. There was at least something comfortable in familiar surroundings, even though it had been a year since he’d been here last. 

Winding his way through familiar streets Remus decides to walk instead of call an uber, it’s a short enough walk and being outside might do him some good. His bag is heavy on his shoulder and it’s colder than it should be but the big coat and scarf help on both accounts as he puts one foot in front of another wearing a familiar path. A handful of older residents stopped him on his walk home, saying how happy they were to see him again and how great it is that he's doing okay. He smiles and nods, graciously accepting each one and not bothering to correct them and let them know that he's falling apart inside. 

Walking up to the old two story house on the hill something warms in his frozen chest, he missed his home. As much as he loves his apartment and his life in the city, there's always something about coming back home that he loves. Using the extra key that's under a ceramic planter he lets himself in. He's greeted by a lazy tabby cat who stretches slowly and raises to greet him on the arm of the couch. "Hello Minnie" She yawns in response. 

Other than the new artwork on the wall of the den the house looks exactly the same, like nothing had changed in the years he hadn't lived here. There was a note for him on the kitchen counter. 

_ Remus love, there's leftover Shepherd's pie in the fridge, just heat it up in the oven. We love you and will be home shortly. Help yourself to anything you'd like, I'm so excited to see you. Be good, Mom. _

Remus smiled at the note, the first genuine smile in a week or two. He preheats the oven and walks over to the old record player that sits in the living room. He turns it on without checking what it is, his father and him have the same taste in music so it should be something familiar. The soft notes of an old David Bowie record float through the space as he goes back to preparing dinner for himself. The sun is starting to set on the other side of the big bay window in the front room. 

Helping himself to the wine rack that's built into the kitchen cabinets Remus pulls out a fairly cheap bottle of red wine and pours a glass for himself. Sitting at the table all alone he sighs. Minnie jumps up into the chair next to him and fixes him with that stare, the one that says pet me you fool. So he does, one hand sipping wine and one petting the cat, "I guess it's just me and you Minnie, this week has been shit." She purrs and rubs her face into his hand with more force than necessary. 

He finishes up dinner fairly quickly, eating takes less time when you’re going it alone and there’s no one to make conversation with. Remus considers calling up old friends to see if they're in town for the holidays, Peter is probably around, he thinks to himself but decides against it in the end. Looking at his watch he decides to pop down to the local used bookstore before they close for the night and he leaves with nothing but his thoughts. "I'll be right back." He says to the cat before leaving. 

The walk to the shop is short, he blames proximity for the amount of money he's spent here over the years. The little bell over the door jingles as he makes his way in, a familiar set of all knowing eyes greets him from over half-moon glasses. "Ah, Remus my boy." The timbre of his voice reminds Remus of too much time spent here in high school, and the long conversations they had in the back room over tea. 

"Dumbledore!" Remus greets him with more enthusiasm than he's felt in a while, hoping to cover up some of the sadness he knows his face betrays. 

The older man comes from behind the counter and envelopes him in a hug. "I have missed you dearly. Care for a cup and a chat? It's been too long." 

"I really would love that." Remus smiled and allows himself to be ushered into the office in the back of the shop. Albus hangs the closed sign early and meets Remus in the back. He turns on the electric kettle he's had for longer than Remus has been alive. He takes a seat in the familiar purple velvet wing back chair that faces an equally extravagantly embroidered chair. 

"Home for the holidays I suspect?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"I've told you to call me Albus time and time again, when will it finally stick?" 

"When I no longer feel like a child." It comes out sharper than he means for it to, Remus wishes he could shove the words back into his mouth. 

Albus raises an eyebrow, "Some people retain their youth for quite a while. There's nothing wrong with that." 

"That's not how I meant it." Remus runs a hand through his hair. 

"I know." He responds solemnly and places familiar mismatched China down in front of Remus. "From the second you walked in, I knew something was wrong. I've known you for quite a long time Remus." 

"I'm sorry." 

"I'm not." Hesitantly he meets Albus's eyes, they're so full of pity that Remus could drown in them. "Tell me what's happened."

Remus heaves a sigh, exhaustion seeping into his bones already. "I met someone. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to love someone after Fenrir. But I did, I fell so hard, so fast, I felt like I was choking on it." Green eyes were trained on his tea. "I didn't ask the right questions at the right time. I ignored things I knew better about in favor of finally feeling something again. And in the end the answers to those questions came to light and it tainted everything that was good." 

Dumbledore sipped his tea and tried to hide a small smile that tugged at his lips. "You've always been able to wax poetic, too much reading at a young age I suppose. But what actually happened between you and this mystery suitor?" 

"He's the heir to the Black family fortune, the same corporation that got Fenrir off scot-free after the crash. I never asked his last name. I just let it go, like a kid in a sandbox ignoring that they're sitting on an ant hill. I feel so stupid. I knew he had money, a lot of money, but I never asked where it came from. But he brought me to their corporate Christmas party, and they're so abusive, but he refused to come with me, to leave all of that." 

"You know what that's like though. I remember you wasting away with Fenrir, eyes hollowing out by the day, and you refused to listen to anyone."

"I know. I know." Remus felt frustration sting the back of his eyes. “I just don’t know if I can put myself in that kind of situation. To sit on the other side and watch someone I care about go through that. I’ve been that person, no one could pull me out of that, I can’t pull him out of it.” 

“So you’d rather abandon him to the wolves, so to speak?”

Remus’s eyes snapped up to his, blue eyes betraying no emotion, but he couldn’t keep the sneer off of his own face. “How dare you ask _ me _ that?” 

“Because you are _ you _. Remus, you have faced more hardship than anyone your age should have to endure, but you did endure. And you did it well. You’ve made a home and a family for yourself in the city. You’ve gone to therapy, you’ve learned how to process, and how to heal. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” 

Cheeks burning he slumped back into his chair. “I don’t know how you can say that about me. Look at me, I’m still a fucking mess.” 

“It’s hard to see your own progress, but trust me, it’s there. You’re a good man Remus.” 

“I appreciate that.” 

“Don’t appreciate it, believe it.” Albus fixes him with a stare that makes him squirm but is quickly replaced by a twinkle in his eye, “Now tell me about this Mr. Black. You said that you love him,” 

“Yeah, I really think I do. I can’t get him out of my head, even now. I wonder what he’s doing and who he’s with. I hope that he’s with his best friend for the holidays and not his family. Though I do wonder if he’ll stop by his cousin’s, she would love that. And it just goes around and around like that in my head. It’s constant and unending, I hate it.” 

Albus hides a smile behind his cup again. “I see that you do really love him. So what’s truly stopping you from calling this boy? From being with him?”

The ice around his heart cracks, he can feel it, positive that it’s audible in the colorful office in the back of the shop. “What if it happens again? What if I get too caught up to take care of myself?” 

“Are you going to live the rest of your life in fear because of what he did to you? Are you willing to give up on love because of Fenrir?” 

The phrasing is heavy but he knows that it’s what he would be doing. Letting something in his past become a permanent detriment isn’t something he wants, but it’s terrifying push himself away from that comfortable hole he’d been hiding in. “No.” And suddenly where his chest has felt cold and restricted for weeks it feels warm and full. “No I’m not going to let him control my life even after we’ve separated. I want this to work so badly.” 

“Then tell him that. And then when it all works out bring him around, I would love to meet this bloke.” This time he doesn’t hide his smile from the younger man, he smiles proudly. 

Remus feels lighter than he has in a long time when he finally leaves the shop with a bunch of books tucked into a brown paper bag and heads back home. The sun had set and it is freezing as he digs his phone out of his pocket and clicks on Sirius’s contact, the phone rings and rings and he’s worried it will go to voicemail before it’s answered. But eventually he hears the line click on. “Hey.” Remus speaks before Sirius can say anything. “I’m sorry. I’ve been terrible and I miss you.” 

Sirius’s voice is low, like he’d just woken up, “Is this a Christmas miracle?” The words were in jest but the tone seemed too thin for his normal teasing voice. 

“We really need to talk.” 

“We are talking.”

“Sirius, are you okay?” 

“I’m in Italy with Narcissa and Lucius. It’s like two in the morning here.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll let you go.” 

“I’ll call you when I’m home Remus.” 

“Okay.”

“Talk to you soon.” 

“Hey,” Remus couldn’t help the word vomit that was coming up, no longer locked behind clenched teeth. “You still want to do this right? Us?”

There’s a deep sigh and a shuffling sound on the other end of the line. “We have a lot to talk about. We have both really fucked this up.” 

“I need a yes or a no or I will lose my resolve.” He could feel his hands start shaking, and not just from the cold. 

“Yes.” 

“Come home Sirius. Have christmas with Lily and James and me.” 

“I’ll think about it.” 

“I’m worried about you.” 

“Don’t be. I’m grown, I can take care of myself.” 

“I don’t doubt that. But I’d take better care of you if you came home.” 

Sirius huffs a laugh into the phone, “This is dangerously close to crossing over into phone sex.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” His brow furrowed, Sirius was being obtuse on purpose. 

“I know. I’m tired and I haven’t heard from you till now. Honestly, I’m a little pissed, a little drunk, and a whole lot of hurt. We need to talk in person. I can’t do this over the phone. Especially not right now, I’m pretty sure that Narcissa and Lucius are fucking some cocktail waitress in the other room.” 

“Text me when you wake up then?” 

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Good night Remus.” 

“Good night Sirius.” He’s back at his house by the end of the call, the lights are on and he smiles at the idea of his parents finally being back. Remus let’s himself into the familiar home and tries not to think of Sirius sprawled across a bed in Italy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I'm at: discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com


	11. Christmas

His mother’s warm voice greets him over the same Bowie record that has been restarted, “Rem, honey is that you?” Hope walks around the corner and smiles at her boy, all big eyes and soft features. 

“Yeah, I went to visit Albus, it ran a little longer than I anticipated.” Setting the brown bag down he lets his mother envelope him in a familiar embrace. And he sinks into it, Remus feels his whole body relax into the hug, all of the stress and drama from the past few weeks melts out of him at her touch. 

“Aw, sweetie, what is it?” She asks holding him at arms length to appraise him. The appraisal goes both ways as Remus takes in the sight of his mother all done up for some kind of dinner her and his father had been having. Hope’s hair was piled on top of her head in an artfully messy bun, a deep blue dress that matched her eyes was covered by a big grey knit sweater. She looked good, happy. 

Remus could feel tears prick the back of his eyes, “Everything is so messed up mom. I don’t know if I can fix it.” She wraps an arm around him and pulls him into the den. 

“Talk to me Remus. Tell me what’s so messed up.” 

In greater detail than he had told Dumbledore, Remus launches into telling his mom what had transpired between him and Sirius. From him being a regular at the restaurant to him and Lily conspiring against him during Halloween. He tells her about friendsgiving and Alice, and then he tells her about the Christmas party that he really wished Sirius had never taken him to. Going on about the time in between and the things that both Lily and Dumbledore had said to him on the subject Remus finds the weight on his shoulders start to lift. 

“Well,” She says holding his hand from her spot next to him on the couch, “Life is always a little more messy than anyone plans for it to be. It would be amazing if everything could just be all neat and tidy all of the time but it isn’t. Emotions are messy, baggage is heavy, and you either decide to keep going or you take a pass on certain situations and there isn’t anything wrong with that. I know that you’ve been through a lot with what happened with Fenrir and I never want you anywhere near anything like that again. But, from what you’ve told me, this doesn’t sound like that Rem. This sounds like two grown people trying to navigate their own personal issues while taking care of each other. Don’t let one really awful night ruin what you’ve started here.” 

Remus feels his breath hitch, the words he wants to say are caught in the back of his throat, locked behind clenched teeth. He can feel the tears on his cheeks before he can acknowledge that he’s crying, Hope wraps him up in her arms, pulling him close like she’s done in the past when he’s cried like this. Leaning into the familiar arms of his mother Remus lets go of all of the emotions he’s been holding in for the past few weeks. At some point his father brings them a pair of mugs filled with hot chocolate, the familiarity of his childhood home and his parents calms him eventually. “I’m sorry.” He offers weakly as he pulls away from her. 

The softest smile graces her lips, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about Remus. I’m your mother, what am I here for if not a good cry and some life advice?” She places his mug in his hands and tucks her feet up under her on the couch. “Coast’s all clear Lyall!” She calls over the back of the couch. 

His father is where he gets his emotional shortcomings from and he’s always known it, Lyall will avoid a room if something he doesn’t want to deal with is happening. And it only got worse after the accident and Fenrir, his father had zero clue how to deal with that situation and it stuck with him. With careful steps he walks back into the living room and turns on the lights for the Christmas tree, “Movie?” He asks, hesitation slipping into his voice. Hope nods, and the three of them settle in to watch a Christmas movie together. The night passes easily in warm familiarity as they fill their time with favorite past times and old traditions. His parents turn in before him, his mother with a warm squeeze of his hand and his father with a soft pat on the shoulder. And Remus finds himself falling asleep on the couch, tucked under the hand knit blanket his mother had made years ago, bad late night Christmas movies playing softly in the background. 

The flight confirmation comes in the early morning, not loud enough to wake him, but there for him to find in the morning. Christmas is tomorrow and Sirius would be there. Relief washes over him in the mid morning light, sounds of his father starting breakfast coming from the room behind him. For the first time in a while a smile finds its way to his face, he feels stupid and giddy but he loves every second of it. Most of his morning is spent on the phone with James deciding who is picking Sirius up from the airport and what still needs to be done and decorated. 

“Remus, you seem like you’re doing a lot better.” Hope comments over breakfast, her eyes sparkling over the edge of her coffee mug. 

He nods, wondering briefly how it is that mothers were able to just know things, “I am. He’s going to be back for Christmas. I’m not really sure what that means for us, but I’m just glad he’ll be here with us.” 

Lyall puts another plate down in the middle of the table, “I assume you’ll be heading back into the city then?” 

Remus nods, “I’m sorry to bail.” 

“I get it.” His father smiled, “I would do anything for your mother.” He kisses the top of her head before sitting down at the head of the table to finally eat. Lyall always cooked, some would say over cooked, and was always the last to eat. 

Hope smiled, it was one of those totally in love smiles that Remus had grown up seeing his mother give his father. It was something he had strived for his whole life, there was always such a large discrepancy between his parents healthy relationship and the kind of love he had accepted in the past. “We can give you a ride to the station whenever you’re ready. But I want to give you your gift before you go.” 

They exchanged gifts, he’d gotten his father a first edition of The Time Machine by H. G. Wells and a nice bottle of scotch. His gifts for his mother were always a little more personal, the two of them being closer, he’d booked them a VIP tour at a really nice art museum in the city and a wine tasting at a vineyard later in the spring. They returned the favor tenfold, his father usually over compensated with gifts, he’d bought him a record player and a bunch of old records they used to listen to together. Hope got him some of his favorite wool socks, a yearly tradition, and a week away in Seattle, with the open invitation of adding another ticket to the trip. 

The drive to the station was a quick one but the goodbye was longer, Hope hugging to her boy longer than she needed to. “Remember that you can always come home. Whenever you need us we are here. We’ll drop anything for you, my love. Take care of yourself, keep going to therapy, and know that you’re loved.” She held his face between her small hands before leaning in and kissing his forehead. 

“I love you son. Have a good holiday with your friends.” Lyall’s hug was shorter, but the sentiment was still there. Slinging his duffel over his shoulder and juggling the new record player he waved as best he could before stepping onto the train. 

The long ride home was spent texting Lily about what they needed to decorate, James said he’d take care of picking Sirius up the next day and bringing him home. They needed to get all of the groceries for a good Christmas dinner and decorations for Sirius and James’s apartment, James told them where he kept the spare key. By the time he stepped off of the train and back into the city Lily and him had developed a definite plan and timetable. She picked him up from the train station, “Hey there sexy. You looking for a ride?” Lily called through the rolled down window. 

“A ride and a redhead? Who would turn down such an offer?” Remus didn’t realize how much he’d missed her until right then, his chest swelled with happiness. She popped the trunk she he could put his bags in before sliding into the passenger seat, his brow furrowed, “Did someone else sit in this seat?” 

Lily laughed pulling away from the station, “Yes, other people do ride in my car.” Remus adjusted the seat to where he liked it and smiled at her. “Okay, so I think decorations first and food second cause some things need to be refrigerated. But we also need a tree and I can’t really put anything too big in this car.”

“The twins have a truck?” He offered. 

“I called Gideon already, he said he’d meet us at the lot and then take it back to the apartment for us.” 

The tree lot was a little outside of the city on the opposite side from the train station, it took them awhile to drive through the holiday traffic and make it there. But the car ride was filled with long talks about Sirius and James and their respective effects on them. He got to hear some funny stories about James meeting Lily’s family and in turn shared his depressive episodes from the past few weeks and his conversation with Albus. A large truck and a pair of grinning ginger twins greeted them at the front of the lot, a wave and a mischievous smile from both of them. 

“So, we’re setting this up for you beau.” Gideon teased, as they walked through the trees trying to pick the best one that would fit the space of Sirius’s apartment. 

Remus rolled his eyes, “Yes we are. What’s it to you?” 

“I’m glad that you’re talking again. He really loves you Remus. And I know you’ve got some issues but I think it will be good for you to get back on the proverbial horse.” 

Just as Remus fixed Gideon with a look Lily squealed from around the corner and they all rushed over, “This is the one!” She exclaimed jumping and pointing at the huge tree in front of them. He looked it over and decided that with Sirius’s vaulted ceilings that this one would be perfect. Fabian and Gideon loaded it into the bed of their truck while Remus and Lily purchased it, breath coming out in puffs in the cold air while they waited their turn in line. 

The twins drove the tree over to the apartment while Lily and Remus headed to the nearest supermarket to pick up lights and decorations. They settled on a classic red and gold color scheme for the tree, it would balance the gold hardware in Sirius and James’s apartment well. Collecting all of the necessary bits and bobs was easy enough after they had settled that. Spending far too much money on a last minute perfect Christmas they left the shop to meet the boys at the apartment and get started setting up. 

Remus was eternally grateful for the distraction from the insane amount of nervousness that was bubbling in his stomach. It would have been easy for his thoughts to wander to the inevitable conversation that they were going to need to have, but with Christmas music and the twins making eggnog it was hard to imagine another else. They music was so loud that they didn’t notice James slip into the apartment, still dressed from work. “Hey!” He shouted, giving Lily quite the scare, she jumped and almost slipped off of the arm of the couch where she was balancing to put the star on top of the tree. 

“What kind of people break into someone’s home to set up Christmas?” He teased wrapping Lily up in a hug and a quick kiss. The five of them made quick work of the decorations, the apartment going from modern and cold to warm and inviting in the matter of a few hours. 

The sun had set and they all settled onto the couch with new mugs of extremely strong eggnog to admire their hard work. “I think we did good.” Fabian smiled gesturing at the extremely tall tree that they had managed to wrangle into some form of presentable tree. 

Lily smiled, curling into James, who had since changed into sweats, “I think he’ll love it.” 

“It’s always nice to come home to something warm instead of an empty apartment.” Gideon agreed. 

“I hope so.” Remus whispered more to himself, the familiar sense of nervousness was creeping up on him again. 

Lily noticed before anyone else that something was off, years of best friend-ness or female intuition he didn’t know. “We still have to get stuff for dinner in the morning, we might as well stay here tonight. James, you’ll take the couch.” 

The look of offense that struck his features was hilarious, Remus snorted into his mug. “This is my home woman.” 

“And this is my best friend who is in distress.” The tone in her voice made it clear that this wasn’t up for discussion or argument. 

And much to his surprise James settled back on the couch with a shrug, “What can you do?” The rest of the night went by easily, chatting with the twins and drinking until everyone felt too full to go on. Lily and Remus took the bed while James set up the couch. Remus woke with a start in the middle of the night, something Lily was used to and now just slept through. Cold sweat prickled his brow as he slipped out of James’s bed, on quite padded sock feet he made his way through the living room and into Sirius’s room. 

It was too dark to really make anything out, but he found his way to the familiar bed and sat on the edge. The overwhelming idea of losing what he had just managed to find washed over him. A sob racked through his chest, he caught it before it left his body, slamming a hand over his mouth. The room undeniably smelled like Sirius, his scent clung to the unmade bed, the messy pile of clothes in the corner, it was almost like he was here. Remus reached into the pile until he managed to pull a t shirt out, feeling like he was 15 again he held it to his nose and inhaled deeply. 

The scent was accompanied by intense memories, of amazing sex, of snuggling close together on the couch, of showers together. And Remus could feel the intensity of the past couple of months catch up to him. When there was nothing left in him, no more tears of thoughts, just sheer exhaustion he padded back to James’s room and crawled back in beside Lily. Sleep came easier after that, but morning came far too soon. 

Lily woke him with a cup of coffee and a soft smile, her red hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun. He suspected she’d been up for a while but hadn’t wanted to wake him. “It’s time to get up sleepy head. We’ve got a big dinner to make.” 

The day was grey, overcast and looking on the verge of rain, it matched Remus’s head space perfectly. Together he and Lily made one last run to the 24 hour supermarket that was always open and gathered what they needed for dinner. At least it was just the four of them, unlike friendsgiving. Shopping and cooking took up most of the day, Remus was grateful he’d left his bag in Lily’s car and had a change of clothes readily available. When James left to get Sirius from the airport Lily pressed a glass of red wine into his hand. 

“It’s going to be okay. I promise. You’ve just got to communicate with him. Talk it out and you’ll both be fine.” 

“But what if it isn’t?” 

“Then you’ll rebuild and move forward, just like you always have. You’re stronger than you know Remus.” The two of them put on a cheesy Christmas movie for background noise and waited for their boys to return. Remus ran over his mental checklist of things he absolutely needed to say to Sirius. And then the key was turning over in the lock, an incredibly disheveled Sirius stepped into the apartment. 

Shock registered on his face in various degrees, first the tree, then the decor, and then Remus curled up on his couch with a glass of wine. James set a hand on his shoulder and it seemed to ground him back to this plane of existence. “Dinner won’t be ready for a couple of hours if you two want to talk.” 

Remus watched the other man swallow hard, “I-I think I’d like that.” Sirius nods to his bedroom, Remus gets up and follows him down the hall to the familiar room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit short and took so long. 
> 
> But I'm finally feeling like myself again. :)
> 
> As always I'm at: discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com


	12. Drowning

Remus’s leg is bouncing up and down as he sits on the edge of Sirius’s bed, the same spot he’d snuck to the night before. His nerves are getting the best of him and he knows it, chewing on the side of his thumb he trains his eyes on the polished hardwood. Sirius is unpacking and moving around to clean what mess he’d left before heading out on his trip, the air is tense and they both seem afraid to break the silence. Sirius knocks something off of his dresser and swears under his breath, “Fuck.”

“It’s okay.” Remus offers, his voice coming out small and high pitched, fear seeping into the already uncomfortable feeling of nervousness. 

There’s a sigh from Sirius, Remus chances a glance upwards to see him running his hand through his hair. “None of this is okay.” The words are whispered in a hushed tone, it breaks Remus’s heart. He feels it in his chest, like someone had just punched him, it knocks the wind out of him. Hot tears prick the back of his eyes, “Shit, Rem, I’m so so sorry.” Sirius turns to face him, grey eyes full of sorrow. 

Remus thinks there is something beautiful about Sirius when he’s sad like this, like centuries of aristocratic breeding led to this face legitimately made for brooding. It highlights how bright his eyes are, the angles of his face seem sharper under the curtains of his unwashed hair, and even now Remus finds him breathtaking. “I fucked this up. I’ve got so many issues and I know I don’t deal with them well.” 

He stands and closes the gap between them, placing a finger softly on his lips. “Shh.” Sirius looks incredulous. “I need to tell you some things. And they’re not nice to hear or to know but they need to be said. So I need you to listen, without interrupting.” Remus takes his hand and leads him back to the bed, Sirius sits across from him, worry written across his handsome features. 

Sucking in a deep breath Remus speaks slowly in an even tone, fighting to keep the tears from pouring into his words. “When I was 18 I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with an older man. It was a crazy whirlwind of a thing, it was obsessive and jealous and we shut out the rest of the world, us against them. I developed incredibly toxic ways of processing things and ideals of what a relationship should be. It lasted until about 2 and a half years ago, I spent 6 years in that dysfunctional thing you can barely call a relationship. We got in a car crash one night, the driver of the other car died, he was drunk and angry and I still have nightmares about it when it rains. There’s a weird memory that I can’t let go of where I think he might have done it on purpose. His truck was totaled and I ended up in the ICU with a couple of broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a fractured wrist.” He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Sirius and instead chose to focus on their hands clasped together. 

“The accident and the relationship are why I’m in therapy. I’ll probably need it for the rest of my life, or at least until I unlearn all of these terrible habits I formed with him. But what makes this worse is that he didn’t get charged or sentenced, your family’s company sent in some big shot lawyers and he got off without so much as a slap on the wrist. They gave him enough money that I never saw him again, he came and said goodbye when I was still in the hospital. I never really understood what happened which made it all that much harder to deal with.” 

“What was his name?” Sirius’s voice drew Remus’s eyes up to his lips, there was a deep seated anger in his tone. 

“Fenrir Greyback, why?”

A heavy sigh escaped Sirius, “I didn’t know anyone else was involved in the accident. Of course they wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“I can explain my family’s involvement.” His hands tightened around Remus’s. “The other driver that you guys hit was my Uncle Alphard. I’m sure my family paid everyone off to avoid the scandal of him being involved in a drunk driving accident. They wrote it off as he lost control of the car in the rain. Appearance is everything to these fucking people.” The last few words were spit out in absolute rage. “I’m so sorry that they were involved in such a terrible part of your life.” 

Finally Remus raised his green eyes to meet Sirius’s gray ones, there were so many mixed emotions swimming in those eyes across from him. Anger, pity, sorrow, pooling in the infinite expanses of silver mercury that were trained on Remus. “It’s not your fault, but it is part of why I had such a violent reaction to your family. But just a part of it. I recognized similar patterns of abuse in the way your family treats you. I know it’s hard to acknowledge if that’s all you’ve ever known, but Sirius, they’re abusive.” 

His eyes closed, long lashes brushing against his cheeks, “I know they are.” A moment passes and he heaves another deep sigh, “But they’re my family.” 

“James is your family.” It’s Remus’s turn to be angry. He sees himself in Sirius, the small 18 year old Remus who was so desperate for anyone to love him that he would accept any love. “Not those people. I know what it’s like to have everyone telling you to leave and feeling like they don’t know what they’re talking about. If anyone understands this it’s me.” 

Sirius shook his head, “It’s not the same.” 

“I know it’s not.” The quiet words seem to shake something in Sirius. Tears pool in those eyes and overflow down his cheeks. Remus offers his arms, “Come here.” It’s Sirius’s turn to close the distance between them and he leans into Remus, sobs wracking his body. 

It feels like forever when Sirius finally pulls back and looks up at Remus. “I’ve had this fight a thousand times with James and he’s never been able to understand. He comes from a perfect family, they would have adopted me if I had ever found the courage to leave. I know that they love me and I wouldn’t be without a family, but Regulus wouldn’t come with me.” 

Ah, there it is. Remus thinks finally putting all of the pieces together, Sirius loves his little brother more than he loves himself. “I have spent my whole life putting myself between them and Reg but he could never see it that way. He always saw it as me antagonizing them, starting unnecessary fights.” Remus thought back to the younger version of Sirius that he’d encountered at the Christmas party. Regulus had no idea what Sirius had endured to spare him, it made Remus’s heart ache in his chest. 

“I know this sounds stupid, but there has to be a point where you choose to put yourself first Sirius. You’re all you’ve got in this world. Family and friends could disappear at any moment, and then what are you left with? You have to be left with a version of yourself that you’re okay with. I know I can’t make you leave this situation but maybe I can help.” 

Their eyes met again and this time there was something else in Sirius’s eyes, hope. “After everything you still want to be around me? Be with me?” 

“I love you.” He says it as a fact, it’s not a band-aid for a bad situation, it’s an undeniable fact, even if it isn’t reciprocated. “I have been in love with you for a while now. And I was afraid of it at first, but I think I’m ready to accept it now. You don’t have to say it back, I just needed you to know. I’m in it for the long haul, for better or worse.” 

Sirius closes the distance and presses his lips to Remus’s, it’s a slow growing kind of kiss that evolves into the most passionate thing Remus has ever felt before. All breath and gentle touches, Sirius’s hand finds its way to his back and pulls him closer, like he can’t stand any modicum of space between them. “I love you.” Sirius whispers against his lips. In between kisses his says it over and over, and Remus’s stomach flips every single time. 

Despite it being everything that he wants he pulls away from Sirius, “We have a lot to work on. We have to be better at communicating. We can’t hide all of the dark stuff away from one another. We have to deal with things.” 

“I promise.” Sirius smiles at him, it’s a dopey grin that’s so full of love that Remus can’t help but return it. “It’ll be better this time, I promise.” He kisses the back of Remus’s hand and gives it a good squeeze. Sirius glances at his phone that just buzzed, “James says dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes. I really need a shower, sorry to be all over you with plane germs.” 

“Hey, I’m serious about this.” 

“No, that’s me.” Remus groans and lets go of his hand to let him walk into the bathroom that’s connected to the bedroom. “You want to join?” Sirius walks back into the door way completely naked.

“And what do I get out of this? I’m already clean.” 

“I can think of a few things.” Sirius smirks and then turns on his heel to get into the shower. Remus begrudgingly follows, stripping on the way. 

“I would like it to be known that your bribe is not why I’m in here.” Remus stated stepping into the shower and smiling at the fact that Sirius had turned both of the shower heads on. The hot water pounds against his back, it feels incredible after the chilly air of the apartment. And then there’s Sirius, who always runs warm, pressing into him. 

“Did you miss me?” He asks kissing right under Remus’s ear, breath hot on his neck. 

Remus shivers into the embrace, “Of course I did. You big idiot. How was Italy?”

Sirius’s soft lips trail lower down his neck towards his collar bone, “I don’t remember most of it.” There are teeth dragging across the skin there and he fights the groan in the back of his throat. 

“We have to talk about your poor coping mechanisms at some point.” Remus tries to reprimand him but it comes out breathy and closer to a moan than anything else. 

“At some point, sure. But maybe not right now.” He runs his tongue over the now sore spot on Remus’s collar bone. His mouth moves further south still, teasing a nipple he finds, before moving further still. And then Sirius is on his knees in front of Remus, hair wet and eyes lust blown. 

“Shut up.” Remus rolls his eyes and gives in fully to Sirius’s clear plan. He rocks his hips forward as Sirius greedily swallows him up. The tongue dragging across the bottom of his dick makes him groan, squeezing his eyes shut. Sirius relaxes his jaw and lets Remus thrust in and out of his mouth easily. A slight moan bubbles up from the back of his throat, the vibrations making Remus moan out loud. 

Sirius slides off for a moment, his hand keeping the rhythm in place of his mouth, “God, I missed that sound.” And then he’s back bobbing back and forth in earnest, rocking gently on his heels. Remus tangles his hands in Sirius’s hair, all gripping and pulling at the slick locks. He’s not sure how much time passes, it’s too hot in the shower all the sudden and he feels like he can’t breath. His breath is coming out in short puffs as he starts to come, without warning him he grabs the back of Sirius’s head and jerks him forward hard. 

There’s a slight gagging sound as he rides out his orgasm, “Oh, god, I’m sorry.” Remus’s eyes shoot open and he looks down at Sirius who is licking his lips and smirking up at him. 

“Don’t be, that was hot.” He stands back up and presses a hard kiss against Remus’s mouth. “I know this has been rough, but it’s going to be better from here on out. I promise.” All teasing and playfulness is gone out of his voice, replaced by something soft and tender. The next kiss matches his tone, and Remus melts into it, in an entirely different way than before. There’s trust and kindness in this kiss, Sirius means the words he says and Remus believes them. 

They get ready for dinner together, all smiles and bumping into one another in the small space. Finally ready and fully dressed they walk back into the living room, hand in hand. “So that went well?” James smirks and raises his beer at the two of them. “Congrats.” 

“Now, everyone has to help set the table.” Lily demands from where she’s bent over looking at the ham in the oven. The three boys set the table together, Sirius telling them stories of what he remembers from Italy, most of them paint his cousin in a poor light but no one minds too much. Remus smiles happily at the little family they’ve built here, just the four of them. He knows that Sirius and him have far more to talk about and work out before their relationship is ideal but he’s happy to have what they have for the time being. 

Lily made a feast that would last them at least a week in leftovers, “Enjoy!” She said as James set the ham down in the middle of the table. The rest of their Christmas went by easily, the four of them ate and exchanged gifts. It turned out that Sirius had gotten Remus something a while ago and just hadn’t found the right time to give it to him. 

He came out of his room with a cardboard shipping box, “I’m not good at wrapping.” 

“Oh, I can vouch for that, he is absolute shit.” James smirked from his perch on the arm of the recliner that Lily was curled up in. She was admiring the lovely earrings that James had gotten her. 

Remus opened the box and his face lit up at the contents of the box. The entire Queen discography on vinyl was nestled in the box, “I figured that you were missing a few of these so I just rounded them all up. I remember seeing a record player in your apartment and I figured an old soul like you would really appreciate something like this. Plus you can think of me dressed as Freddie when you hear them.” Sirius commented from his perch on the armrest of the couch next to where Remus is sitting. 

“I love it.” He smiles up at Sirius who leans down and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “Thank you so much. I didn’t know what was going to happen between us or if you were coming home so I just picked up something small for you. I’ll get you something better later, I swear.” 

Sirius just shook his head, “You didn’t have to get me anything.” Remus dug the small brown paper wrapped gift out of his pocket and handed it to him. Nimble fingers made quick work of the tape and string, disregarded once he realized what it was. His face changed, childlike joy taking over his usually so mature looking features. The small license plate key chain that read ‘BABY’ looked even smaller in his hand. “Oh my god! I adore it.” Sirius jumped up to grab his keys from the front door and put it on them. 

“I can’t condone how much you love that car but I can support that you do nevertheless.” Remus smiled and set his box of records on the coffee table. He crossed the apartment and let Sirius wrap him in a tender hug. 

Lily and James’s chatter faded into the background when Sirius pulled back and looked at him. He fixed Remus to his spot with a single look and a smile broke out across his face slowly, “I love you.” He whispers before kissing him gently. It’s a slow kiss that builds into something more intense, Sirius’s hands pulling him ever closer. 

“Alright!” James’s voice booms across the apartment, “Enough of all this sappy shit. I have had enough sappy holidays with my parents. I want to do something wild.” 

Sirius pulls back, that wolfish grin on his face, “What did you have in mind?”

And that is how Remus and Lily find themselves drunk and playing look out while Sirius and James break into Black Corp. headquarters on Christmas evening. The two are in the copy room, doing god knows what, while they keep an eye out for the security guard. A giggling pair of boys exits the copy room with stacks of papers wrapped up in their arms, “This is going to be great.” Sirius laughs pressing a sloppy kiss against Remus’s cheek. “Let’s go!” He grabs a handful of papers and tosses them around before taking off running. 

James is quick to follow, but Remus and Lily are taken by surprise and end up a few feet behind them laughing and holding hands while they toss papers like their flower girls at a wedding. There at a balcony that overlooks the entrance to the building and Sirius climbs up on the edge of the railing, “Get down baby!” Remus is shocked and trying to pull him back towards the ground. 

Sirius shakes him off, “I would like to say a few words.” He enunciates loudly in the empty building. “About my awful family and they terrible things that they have said and done over the years. I am so tired of putting up with their shit and keeping their secrets. And tonight I will expose every single thing I know about them,” Sirius pulls a paper off the top of his ever diminishing stack. “Merry fucking Christmas you assholes.” And then he’s tossing all of the remaining papers off the balcony and watching them flutter down towards the marble ground floor. A little less than gracefully he gets down off of the railing and sighs with relief. 

Remus picks up one of the sheets of paper off of the floor and looks at the crisp clean letters that are typed out perfectly. It’s on Sirius’s father’s letterhead, it’s a confession of guilt to at least 14 counts of embezzlement, not to mention drug charges, child endangerment, and assault. In the back of his mind Remus knew that this wouldn’t work, someone would come in and clean all of this up before anything actually happened, but drunk Remus was so impressed with his boyfriend. 

The four of them toss the remaining papers anywhere they can find space and then exit out the front door, setting off the alarm. Arm in arm they walk away in the cold, little puffs of breath visible in the cold air as they laugh. In the early hours of the morning they make it back to James and Sirius’s place and the couples split apart to their respective bedrooms. Sirius and Remus fall into bed in a pile of half dressed limbs, the alcohol making them not care about finishing the job of getting undressed. All giggles and soft kisses they fall asleep with the light of the sunrise just starting to stream through the window. It’s a Christmas that Remus will never forget. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, life is crazy. 
> 
> As always I'm at: discombobulated-etymology.tumblr.com


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